In the past six months.....

Apartment flooded.
Villa short-circuited.
Flew to London.
Hesitant Cabbie.
Tube.
Pearl Jam.
Anna Robinson.
Aoife O'Beirn.
England played terribly against Germany.
Bishop's Finger.
London Eye.
Dirty Plane to Edinburgh.
Uncle Rod.
Aunt Maureen.
Old City.
Sarah and I get irritated.
Fast Car.
Faster Car.
Eat Breakfast in Heathrow with Jennifer and Dave.
Paul in a ridiculous outfit.
6 hours short for E.I.
Corner Brook.
Cooper.
Mazda 3 Sport.
The Seventh.
Camping Around Twillingate.
Lee Stroud showing how he fights.
One Man's Loss is Another's Gain
Move to St. John's.
New SNL.
Went to work still drunk.
Move to Placentia.
PS3 breaks.
Turned 30.
Surprise Party.
Ipod Touch.
Wicked Wife.
Bought Xmas off the Internet.
Attempted Fertilization.
Apple TV From Chris
Boxing Day Near-Miss.
2nd Xmas With Separated Parents.
New TV
Call For School.
1 Firework For New Year's.
We Both Get Sick.
I Get The Worst Of It.

On voyeurism....

Me: "We had sex with the drapes open."
Sarah: "Yeah, but it was all the way in there."
Me: "But those Asian people got funny cameras"
Sarah: "They got funny eyes!"

A.D.D. post. (Now with 17% more Michael Phelps)

I had teeth ripped out of my head again today. I bled profusely at one point. Blood pours from my upper orifices quite frequently. I had it under control. I understand how blood clots work.

Ediie Winslow is a bigger loser than Steve Urkel. At least Urkel was smart and invented cool and/or funny things. Ediie had a big head and hung around with Steve Urkel. And Waldo Faldo. Guilty by association.

Somebody finally wore stockings for me.

I created a facebook account for the vest. We called it Dolly. Thank you Rachel. We really miss you when you aren't around because you have to be one of the most fun people I have ever met. You and Sarah Turpin are made for one another.

When did Saturday Night Live start doing reruns live? Michael Phelps was in a sketch the ther week that was exactly like a sketch Peyton Manning was in last year. Who lets Lorne Micheals get away with this? Are the writers on the show that bad that they have to redo sketches. Is this their way of making recurring characters. I can not think of any noteworthy ones as of late. History is repeating itself.

I like this song. The breakdown is epic. The video is shitty.

Sometimes you just gotta grab the Cow by the....

I wanna jump up in the air and click my heels. I am in bed. I'm not getting out to do that. Perhaps I'll make the yellow pages-walking fingers thingie and do one the top of my laptop. Something just burst wide open inside. I hope it isn't my spleen.

I always liked the expression "If he fell into a barrel of cunnys, he'd still come up with a cock in his mouth" If you don't get it, It refers to the amplitude of someone's homosexuality. I think I like it because it uses the word Cunny, which I find amusing and is the word a most often use to describe female genitalia. Number two would probably be "Cootch" Would you be allowed to say either on the radio or television? Maybe on Showcase.
I found out that my friends poke fun at me because I refer to having sex as "screwin'". I didn't think it was that funny until they brought it up. It's like something a 12 year-old would say. A lot of what I say could be mistaken for a 12 year-old's words. Cowabunga.

Balls Deep in Happy Valley

This post was written on Saturday, July 26 @ 8:23 P.M. in Goose Bay Labrador.
The shady lodging that i am staying in has no internet so I’ll post this as soon as I can find unsecured wireless. As stupid as I think people are for not putting a password on their wireless connection, I thank them every time I go on the road for work.
I am not sure the name of the place I am staying in while I am here but it is attached to this club called “The Hillbilly Ranch” It’s title is a direct result of its clientele. Not many people I have seen there have all their teeth. Seriously. I got totally wasted there on wednesday night. Bobby got pretty drunk too. I can’t really remember what happened during the tail end of the evening. Thursday night was ladies night. That was just fuckin’ retarded. A lot of natives there. Not one one of them worth looking at twice, let alone attempting receiving sexual contact from them. I am well aware of the time that has elapsed since my last encounter I’d never forgive myself if I sunk that low. Someone wanted to have sex with one of them though. I saw them do it. Between the side of the building and the side of my company van. I wanted to yell, or cheer or do something, but they saw me and didn’t stop so I figured it wasn’t worth it.
The job is going very quickly and I expect to be home sooner than I anticipated. Still not soon enough. It is hotter than a four-balled tomcat. Read that last sentence out loud, with a southern accent. Clever. Seriously, it climbs into the mid 30s here in the afternoon. At 6 P.M. it was 29 degrees. No wind either. The natives drink their beer warm. Even in this weather. They can have it.


I feel like I am missing someone but it seems I have no one to miss. I miss you Hope to see you soon, whoever you are...

The Weekend that was...

I didn't stop.
This has many meanings and sums up this weekend in so many ways.
I got home Thursday night and barely had time to take a shit when I packing my bags to leave again... A weekend in town. I didn't stop.
Because I was in Cock Block (If you don't know what I am talking about scroll down) for Valentine's Day, myself and an important person in my life decided to celebrate when I got back. We checked into the Delta friday evening. The room was huge. I have lived in apartments that were smaller than this place. It had a living room.
We went to Magnum & Stein's for dinner. The place is very nice. I had a plate of various shellfish that was delicious beyond written explanation. It was more than I could eat. I didn't stop.
After dinner we went to the store and bought champagne and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. We then went back to the hotel and turned on the jacuzzi. I didn't stop.
We slept in the next morning and was greeted with shitty snow. The real greasy stuff. We were downtown. The car wouldn't move. When I did move, I didn't stop.

Last night Miranda celebrated her 24th birthday. When Miranda is doing party stuff, you have to get in on it. It's always a blast. I got the usual phone call around 7 O'clock.
"What are you at me trout?"
"dis is it by"
"What time are you goin to the riff-raff?"
"I'm leaving now in a bit when She gets ready"
"Can you swing by and give me a ride on yer way? I was gonna ask Shandera but it's out of the way for him"
"Yes by I spose. Are you going to be ready when I leave?"
"I just needs to brush my teeth"
"Very good. I'll see you in a bit"

If you are "one of the by's" you know what happens next. This time I was surprised. He was showered (I assume), dressed. He was already half in the bag! This guy got his shit together. I later find out that he, in fact, DID shower. He drank half a bottle of wine in there.

The bowling was great. My greatest regret was not being drunk. I took a lot of pictures. I'll put em on facefuck as soon as my camera allows me to. Warford didn't appreciate its complexity. I don't think I have ever used it when I was drunk. I'm sure it doesn't make it easier. The only things that get easier for me when I am drinking is shooting pool and getting naked.

How many Riff's did you pass on YOUR way home?

Pre-Blog Note:
I wrote this Blog on the night of February 9th but the internet seems to be still in its infancy here in C.B.N. and wasn't working last night. Life becomes that much more boring around the bay when the internet fails. I think the previous sentence is a lovely precursor to the actual blog post. Here it goes.

I went in town for the day today. I think that is the first time I have said that this century. I have been living “around the bay” for two weeks and I already miss it. Especially Future shop. I went in town today to get my fix. Armed with gift certificates from Christmas I embarked on a mini-spree in order to get the smell of new electronics wafting across my nose once again. I walked out with nothing and I am truly disgusted about it.
I didn’t take me long to realize the reason for my lack of silicon and semiconductors. In August of 2007 I found myself responsible for paying the entire rent on a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment in Paradise. Most of you will know what happened therefore I will not go into detail. It was the fear of not having enough money that kept me away from my electronic needle-and-spoon. Even though I had gift certificates and no money would be coming out of my pocket, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t justify making frivolous purchases. I guess I am easily conditioned. There weren’t many good sales worth taking advantage of anyways. Future Shop in St. John’s kinda reminds me of the Canadian Tire in Carbonear. You get this deadly flyer in the mail promising sales that would make you really give like Santa and save like Scrooge. You rush down there only to find out that not only are they out of stock but they never had the fuckin’ thing in the first place.

Next, I have entered a couple of thoughts that popped in my head recently take them with a grain of sulphuric acid:

I think MUN should get a hockey team. They are one of the few universities in Canada that doesn’t have one. When the Fog Devils finally get the fuck out of town Mile One will be empty and MUN hockey could be a successful venture. Lots of people have a connection and/or pride towards MUN. You’d get a lot more people going to Seahawk’s Hockey than Seahawk’s Basketball or Soccer.

I should buy a rubber cunny. That would be cool to bring to parties and stick between the cushions of the host’s couch.
*Note*: When I was searching for a link to stick to "rubber cunny", I found this. Feel free to comment.