Beer'd

I make beer.  Pretty much every day I wake up and I don't have to work, I say to  myself that I'm going to make beer.  About 1/60th of those days do I actually make beer.  Three kids takes up a lot of my time.  I have a big pot and all kinds of spoons and buckets and coils that make the process a little more efficient.  I like making IPA because there is less time to wait between me making it and me drinking it.  It also tastes great at anytime of the year.  I feel like I'm good enough at it to produce it on a large scale and sell it.
I live in Bay Roberts again and I couldn't be sadder.  I have no friends out here and the it seems like I'm just a machine that follows my kids around.  You'd think that would afford me the time to make more beer.
Sarah Turpin loved my IPAs.  She loved all my beers.  Sometimes I knew she she didn't like them but she loved me and so she'd say she loved the beers. 
She died.  October 3, 2014 at around 4:45PM.  I watched it happen.

In the past six months.....

Apartment flooded.
Villa short-circuited.
Flew to London.
Hesitant Cabbie.
Tube.
Pearl Jam.
Anna Robinson.
Aoife O'Beirn.
England played terribly against Germany.
Bishop's Finger.
London Eye.
Dirty Plane to Edinburgh.
Uncle Rod.
Aunt Maureen.
Old City.
Sarah and I get irritated.
Fast Car.
Faster Car.
Eat Breakfast in Heathrow with Jennifer and Dave.
Paul in a ridiculous outfit.
6 hours short for E.I.
Corner Brook.
Cooper.
Mazda 3 Sport.
The Seventh.
Camping Around Twillingate.
Lee Stroud showing how he fights.
One Man's Loss is Another's Gain
Move to St. John's.
New SNL.
Went to work still drunk.
Move to Placentia.
PS3 breaks.
Turned 30.
Surprise Party.
Ipod Touch.
Wicked Wife.
Bought Xmas off the Internet.
Attempted Fertilization.
Apple TV From Chris
Boxing Day Near-Miss.
2nd Xmas With Separated Parents.
New TV
Call For School.
1 Firework For New Year's.
We Both Get Sick.
I Get The Worst Of It.

That's how ya doooo it

Sometimes things are slightly easier in Doha. Sure, twist off is easy. This doesn't put dents on the skin on your hands.

Most of you won't care about this.

Last night I was drunk. Turpin got drunk too. Robert, Warford and Butler came by and drank beer too. The tail-end of the night is hazy. Because I was loaded. I fell asleep on the floor at some point, then woke up and went to the store and bought more beer. Because I was loaded.
I can think of at least two occasions last night where the conversation turned to Terry Ryan. Each time, the dialogue ended with one us saying that he was an asshole of a piece of shit.
I looked him up this morning. On the Internet. Then I looked into people that were drafted after him that same year. Because he was a bust. He was a 1st round pick and played only 8 games in the NHL and never got a single point. Here are some people Montreal could have picked instead:

Kyle McLaren
JEROME IGINLA!!
J.S Giguere
Martin Biron
Petr Sykora
Marc Savard
Miikka Kiprusoff

I guess you can't blame them for passing on the goalies. They still had Patrick Roy at that point.

*End of Sports Rant*

Bert and Ernie

Part 1

Turpin and I did a mini pub-crawl on the way home this evening... i'm still drunk from it. Two drunk guys were at Erin's pub. They were talking. This is what one of them said when we fell silent for a moment..

"You can throw a helmet on me!!! Gimmie the chainsaw! Buddy, here we go!"

Submission

I have decided to post the video I said I wasn't going to post. The reason for doing this is to bury the flash cartoon thingie in this post.



Sarah Turpin doesn't find humor in fart noises/jokes.

It's Saturday and we are goin' drinkin tonight. In airport heights.

There will be liggggggghhhhhts...... *Flash* *Flash*
There will be druuuuuuums-ah...... *Thump* *Thump*
There wil be gui-taaaaaaaaaaarrrrs.... *scrreeeeeam* *screeeech*
There will be.......

ROCK AND ROLL!!!!


Actually, we'll probably just play "High and Dry" a few times.
Probably tell some stories....

I've been up. Pretty much the whole night. Sick, ya see.... Sick of you!
It is Friday. Usually I'm stoked for this day. Being up all last night sick and not having work because "things are slow right now" have taken the stuffing out of this usually festive pinata.
Remember Friday nights in high school? What a laugh, eh 'by? Myself and Paul Warford would drink beer [or Bacardi Limon :( ] and/or go up to " 4 lease" and play hackey sack and appear awkward around girls. It all ended up with me and him in his parents' rec room watching the Tom Green show.

This sketch was quotable for years and, because of it, we all have "Jam Jar" mugs in our kitchen cupboards....

those pics made her very quiet,

Sarah Turpin has her own place. And just when couch surfing was starting to become popular. I was down there yesterday. She was unpacking boxes from what seemed like a different life that she had. She came across this box of photographs. I sat next to her as she skimmed through them, placing them into piles, but it didn't really seem as if they were becoming anymore organized. Every now and then she would come across a picture with her in it and say either "I was soooo drunk here" or "I am soooo drunk in this picture" The only pictures where she didn't say that was when there were pictures of her and Peter Miles (It might be spelled with a y, whatever). I knew him from before but didn't know that I knew him until I saw those pics. That guy went downhill a bit. He probably doesn't read my blog so I can safely say that without reprocussions. I'm not too worried either way. I probably look as good now as I'm gonna get. I was fat before and I'll be older and deformed from a workplace accident soon enough.

There was a wedding last night. Warford drank wine out of a shoe and I drank the water out of the centerpiece in the middle of the table. Classy.

I feel I should give you something to listen to. Shuv dis up in ya.

And Dean Drover was there for all of it...

I forgot about this until tonight. I have been meaning to post this for a while but I haven't got around to it until now. The video is longer but it's pretty much the same thing. I love Butler's reaction.



The Vest's name is Dolly. She is on facebook

And you thought I was loaded...

Drunk people call my phone when they are drunk.




Transcript:
"Hi Pete. This is Kass. I just wanted to let you know that Jager is fucked. Anyways, callin' ya on Miranda's phone. Aaaaand that's cool I really hope you got the tide out of yer orange juice. Buh-bye."

My Apologies.

We were drunk and hungry....

Sunday night Whinos

Here I am at the beginning of September. The unofficial last day of summer. "Good riddence" I says. This has certainly been a summer to forget. Especially since the highlights of the summer include discovering the Boone's Chug and having a drunk girl in Goose Bay try to give me a handjob in the middle of a crowded bar.
I didn't have sex either. Me and David Duchovny should hang out. I could straighten him out. This is the longest time I have gone without having sex since I lost my virginity. It actually doesn't bother me that much. I have been stood up too many times recently to give a shit about women right now.

Enough of the chickenshit-bullshit. Let's talk about this weekend... weeee!
I didn't go into work on Friday. I had an appointment that morning and took the day off to go to it. This meant I could sleep in a little later. I ended up at The Ship on Thursday night. Cherie Pyne released a CD there that night. I bought the CD. Unfortunately, most of the songs that she played that I had enjoyed were on one or more of her previous records. Paul Warford told me an attractive girl was giving me the up and down while we were there. He did not tell me this though until we were in the car, on the way home. "Thanks, shithead" I said. If she was hanging out at The Ship, I would say that she was a little too artsy for me. She's the kind of girl who wouldn't have sex with me because I once ate beef jerky. Get over it. Vegetables aren't everything.
Friday night was at Robert Shandera's house. He turned 27 this weekend and he invited a crowd over to celebrate. Robert Shandera invited many single women to his party. A true pal. None of these girl showed up though. They all went to send a girl off to Australia. It was just as well. It was lost. It was a boy's night. I did a Boone's chug. Kirk and Miranda showed up and announced their engagment. That just leaves Me, Warford and Pike.
Saturday was one of the days the three of us will talk about years from now. Shandera, Warford and myself drove out to Spaniard's Bay to get fitted for our tuxedos for Shandera's wedding. We walk in and tell the missus who were are and what we are doing there and she goes around the corner to get nice clothes for us to try on. We wander the shop, making fun of silly dresses and trying on top hats. Me and warford are in a corner where there is a mannequin wearing a wedding dress. I walk up behind the headless woman and start grinding her. I turn on my camera and tell warford to make love to the lifeless form. He gets behind the mannequin, places his hands on her hips and starts thrusting, much to our delight. Missus comes back around the corner and shouts "Get outta dat!" Laughter ensues. Missus goes back around the corner and warford makes his way towards the mannequin and whispers "c'mon, c'mon get a shot of this hee hee" He resumes thrusting the mannequin from behind when the missus comes around the corner and catches him doing it AGAIN! Missus bawls out: "Now Paul, what would yer mudder think if she knew you were doin' dat!?" I really wish I had a movie of the whole thing. Still photography will have to do.

After we get fitted and we see our parents, we go to Ernie Green's for a feed of chicken, potato and lard. A tasty treat. My car still smells like garlic and savory.
Saturday night was full of inspiration. I was hungry and my eyes could have used visine....
Sunday was Robert's birthday. We decided to go to comedy and then hit the street for tomfoolery. Comedy was pretty good. There was a girl there who i had not seen before. Her name was Mikaela and she was funny. Not a typical female comedian. Nothing was typical about her. She was funny (duh), smart and absolutely attractive in my eyes. Warford told me she had perfomed here before but hadn't been around in a long time. After the show I went up and talked to her in an attempt to find out more about this woman that intrigued me so much. Turns out she hadn't done comedy in a while at the Victory because she lives in fucking Toronto and is home for a few days. Alas, my world continues to spin on.
We leave the comedy 3/4 of the way cocked. We immediately turn into a dark alley where myself and warford take turns drinking a bottle of homemade wine from his father. This is where the night goes downhill for me. We end up at Greensleeves downing pint after pint and shouting requests to the poor musician on the stage. "Play Metallica! I bet you can't fucking play Metallica!" He did. On an acoustic guitar no less. I don't remember much about leaving. A friend of a friend saw me and later said "I wasn't fit and could barely stand up" That sounds about right.
We are walking down the street and I see I girl I know. For a while I had an interest in her. That's a different story. Anyways, I approach her and say "hello". She looks up and gives a cheerful "Hi" that she is known for. It is at this point I realize how drunk I am really am. I don't know what to do. So I tell her the truth'
"Uh, I'm too drunk to talk to you right now" I say. Then walk away.
I guess I won't be calling her anytime soon.
I then ate a hotdog, went home and threw up. First time in a long time. I was due. I needed that hangover too. Made me realize the messes I am putting myself in.

Haven't had an A.D.D post in a while so....

Wanna go for a coffee with me?
I have asked that question more frequently this summer than I have in my entire life. partly because I didn't really drink much of it until this year, partly because going for coffee has become the "go to the bar for a drink" for people who don't live downtown.
I would love to live downtown. I moving the to opposite of downtown. That's okay though. The new accommodations will suit just fine.

Nothing funny is happening anymore. Maybe funny stuff is happening but I am too miserable to find it funny. I would say this is the most likely scenario. Funny stuff happens around me. I hang out with Paul Warford.

Someone gave me some inside information yesterday. Exciting information. I have been asked not to mention it to anyone and I will honor that request. I hope it goes through. I am pretty pumped about it. weeeeeeee!

Robert Shandera is having people intoxicate themselves and other at his house tomorrow night. Hopefully this will provide some stories, pictures and/or video footage. I can tell you that a Boone's chug will be performed and, depending on who is in attendance, I may possibly perform back-to-back chug's. Vomiting will be a guarantee.

I think I am going to make a little noise tonight. In one way or another.

Part of a complete breakfast...

This weekend was lost to say the least.
Friday night we had a party for Kirk Bussey. He had accepted a job in central newfoundland as a teacher and we were going to do a Century Club with him before we left. Too bad we didn't ask him if he was going to be around this weekend. He wasn't. He had to go to Marystown for a wedding. That didn't stop us.
This was only my 2nd time performing this feat. I said that I was going to do it with Guinness. Everyone thought I was nuts. It worked out very well and I am still nuts. I had a cd made with 100 clips of minutes songs. Every time the song changed, you were supposed to drink. I lost that CD and had to make up a new one the night before. Which is hard. Trying to find a 100 songs. Maybe I'm just lazy. Anyways, turns out I only put 98 songs on the CD. Andrew Butler came through. He is clutch like that.
Next Morning.
Warford wakes up before 10 O'clock. This is quite a feat. He is slightly hungover. If you seen the pics on facebook, you'd understand. We celebrate him seeing the sun before it reaches it's peak in the sky by going to Cora's downtown. The place is busy but not too bad. We get (possibly) the best table two bachelors could get. It is a window seat right next to the computer that the waitresses place their orders in. They wear tight black pants at Cora's. A nice bum must be a prerequisite there.
Our table was also next to the door that you use to access the outside deck. There were wasps on the deck that day. Some people didn't like it. One of the waiters especially. He was rather flamboyant. This made his fear of wasps quite amusing. He wouldn't bring the food to the people outside. Instead, he used to give it to the waitresses to bring out. We found it funny. Then a wasp perched itself on the inside of the door. The gay waiter fuckin lost it. "Oh God! Oh! God! Kill it! Someone kill it! Angela! You kill it! It's gonna sting me, I know it." This went on for sometime and I was growing tired of the whining. Warford was visibly annoyed. I had enough. I stood up, rolled up my menu, went over and beat that fucking wasp into oblivion. I wanted to beat the fucking waiter into oblivion but beating the wasp was much more socially acceptable.
I was especially attracted to one waitress. I think her name was katherine or kaitlin. Something like that. I didn't ask her out. I lack confidence. Also, I know how much these poor waitresses are getting asked out all the time and all they need now is another shithead asking them out on dates. My heart is not into it either....

Next thing ya know, I'm going to a Disney themed party. Everyone is supposed to dress like a character. I dressed up as aladdin. I already had the hat.
I didn't know anyone at the party except for Paul Warford. By the end of the party, I had met lots of people, I wouldn't be able to tell you who I met though. I was pretty loaded, again.

Next morning, myself, Paul Warford and Robert Shandera went to Cora's for breakfast. Unfortunately, we were unable to secure the table with the spectacular view. Which was probably a good thing because sitting at the table next to it was a former important person in my life. The guys knew something was wrong. I didn't want something to be wrong. My gut just made me feel that way. Coffee fixed that.
It wasn't the fact that she was there, she was there with someone that I accused her of cheating on me with. I couldn't say for sure that it happened. But about 10 minutes after I brought it up, we were broke up. She didn't like what was happening, I didn't like what was happening. I don't know why I asked her. How could I win? She says no, I look like and asshole, I feel bad, I fail. If she says yes, I feel bad, I fail. That moment burned so many bridges and sabotaged the relationship and any chance of reconciliation.

"It's times like these you learn to live again"

Couch Surfing...

Yesterday it poured. Monsoon rain. It was ridiculous. Especially when you work in a building that doesn't have windows in it yet. Thank baby Jesus for G.F.I.s
It had rained the night before. Unfortunately, in a moment of stupidity, a had left my boots out by the door all night. I discovered this fact at 7:15. I had to back a work at 8. I was able to pour water from each boot. Long story short I made it to work, 10 minutes late, with dry footwear. Thanks go out to my future best man and to Hydro Quebec.

The Joel Plaskett Emergency played at the Arts and Culture Centre last night. I was pretty excited and nervous at the same time leading up to the event. Joel Plaskett is, in my opinion, one of the best songwriters in Canada. I have been listening to his work quite extensively for quite a few months. I can probably sing the "Ashtray Rock" album from end to end. His heartfelt lyrics have relation to the darker parts of my life that have taken place this year and is the reason why I was nervous about going. Originally, I was to go the show with a former important person in my life. I later decided (for my own sanity) not to take her. This was probably one of the better decisions I have made this week.
The show was great. Joel sang a mix of his recent work and some of his previous and solo work. He even played some stuff he hasn't released yet. There was one song, however, that I really wanted to hear -scratch that- needed to hear and you can imagine my disappointment when the house lights came on to bring an end to the concert and it still wasn't played. "Nothing More to Say". It's an "I'm finished with this" song. It would have been fitting. Alas, the world keeps spinning.
In one moment of hilarity, Shandera and I were sitting almost directly in the middle of the theatre before the show started. People were filing in and we were discussing jiu jitsu and my future participation in it. Shandera says he would like to have some ,ats so that he could practice at home and that I could practice with him. The he says (quite loudly) "Sure we can find an old mattress somewhere and roll around for a while" The gentleman to our right immediately whipped his head around and looked at us. I beat my forehead against the seat in front of me. What else are ya gonna do?

Another Boone's chug was performed last night. It wasn't recorded at the request of one of the particpants. It was his birthday. Warford's old roommate was supposed to join us for the ritual. It was her idea to have it on friday night. She didn't show up, which didn't surprise me. Girls do that regularly when I am involved in the mix. That wasn't the important part. Not by a long shot. The surprise of the night was Warford's performance in the chug. He wasn't the last one finished. He wasn't even the second-last one finished. We were all very proud. I think the birthday boy would have done better had he not picked Green Apple to chug. Poor decision.
The chug started a trend that night. I chugged everything. A Jagerbomb, 4 pints of Boddington's, MGD. I was pretty loaded by the end of it. Me and Pike were singing Radiohead songs. He was pretty loaded too. We haven't done that in a long time... I liked it a lot though.

She wanted to have 27 babies with me....

I got back on the island yesterday morning. I am so happy to be back in a more favorable musical climate. Some time ago, I made a comment in one of my posts that I didn't like music as much as I used to and I had started listening to CBC radio. After spending almost two weeks in Labrador, where CBC is the alternative to a radio station that really likes The Flummies. I'll never say that I am getting sick of the satellite radio again. I'll tell you what I am sick of.... this bag of horseshit. The girls @ the Hillbilly Ranch really liked this one and played it frequently. I did not want to hear that song more than two times in my life. If they wanted raunchy, (I guarantee, the Hillbilly was already full of it) they should have played this.
I am moving to airport heights soon pending a house inspection. Once I get there and everything is straightened away, my hat party project will go in to full swing. I wanted to have it at my present residence but you realistically can't have a party there. There were five people there at one point during the second boone's chug and it felt full. I have been contemplating ways to entice people to wear their craziest hat to the party. I have a few ideas. I won't let them loose here though. I am just very excited now. Things really are looking up.

P.S. I was listening to that flummies song as I was writing this post and they mentioned mulligan's in the song. That is the place where I was loaded and was groped and petted inside my underpants by Suzie (not her real name, you don't need to know that). I don't have the guts to post the details of the whole occasion, even though I have just told you the worst part. Thanks again Bobby for saving me from communicable disease.

EDIT: Let it be known that I did not invite Suzie to grope me and I was too drunk to do anything about it in a crowded bar. Now I know how you women feel @ the Sundance.

Balls Deep in Happy Valley

This post was written on Saturday, July 26 @ 8:23 P.M. in Goose Bay Labrador.
The shady lodging that i am staying in has no internet so I’ll post this as soon as I can find unsecured wireless. As stupid as I think people are for not putting a password on their wireless connection, I thank them every time I go on the road for work.
I am not sure the name of the place I am staying in while I am here but it is attached to this club called “The Hillbilly Ranch” It’s title is a direct result of its clientele. Not many people I have seen there have all their teeth. Seriously. I got totally wasted there on wednesday night. Bobby got pretty drunk too. I can’t really remember what happened during the tail end of the evening. Thursday night was ladies night. That was just fuckin’ retarded. A lot of natives there. Not one one of them worth looking at twice, let alone attempting receiving sexual contact from them. I am well aware of the time that has elapsed since my last encounter I’d never forgive myself if I sunk that low. Someone wanted to have sex with one of them though. I saw them do it. Between the side of the building and the side of my company van. I wanted to yell, or cheer or do something, but they saw me and didn’t stop so I figured it wasn’t worth it.
The job is going very quickly and I expect to be home sooner than I anticipated. Still not soon enough. It is hotter than a four-balled tomcat. Read that last sentence out loud, with a southern accent. Clever. Seriously, it climbs into the mid 30s here in the afternoon. At 6 P.M. it was 29 degrees. No wind either. The natives drink their beer warm. Even in this weather. They can have it.


I feel like I am missing someone but it seems I have no one to miss. I miss you Hope to see you soon, whoever you are...

The Foolish Never Learn

I hope this doesn't become a Friday night ritual. I was pleased that Shandera took part though. If you have me on facebook you will see pictures of what happened afterwards. I am glad the pictures were taken because otherwise I would have had no idea what happened. Yeah, it was that bad.