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I was at my parents house on monday. I had a pile of furniture in their living room. Mom was in Egypt when I put it there. She got home the other day. I was trying to figure out if I liked my Mom being halfway around the world in the desert more than I liked moving a bedroom set. She baked me a pie. The stuff had to go.
It's not like I had to move it far. Across the street actually. In the vacant part next door to Big Bite Pizza. Walt gave me an office in the back for me to stash my shit until I move back into town. 50 bucks a month. I became the billionth tenant of the place. Baloons fell from the ceiling. Or maybe it was gyproc dust. Before a storage office, that place was:
-Someone's house
-A Honda Store
-A video rental place
-An Adult Education centre
-P.C. Headquarters
-Another ATV place (Yamaha I think)
-A place to get yer nails did
I am sure there are more but memory fails me. Danny Williams came over for lunch with Mom when the elections were on the go. She could be a chef. She makes very complex and beautiful dishes. My dad likes to eat cod's heads.
How much is a tin a Pepsi in Alberta? Do they call it "a tin of Pepsi" in Alberta? Is it more or less than here? My friend ate at restaurant in Alberta and he told me that a club sandwich was like 25 bucks. Where is the justification?......
I been trolling the internet for at least a year now trying to find an episode of Saturday Night Live that I had seen in 2004. It was hosted by Robert DeNiro. I wanted it for a particular piece that I find to be one of my favorites. Well, I found and downloaded the episode this week. I plan on posting the particular piece as soon as I figure out how to cut that piece out of the whole show. I also found the episode from that season that Jason Bateman hosted. I feel that that particular episode was the best one since 2000. Just about every sketch is a winner.
I wrote this entire blog naked.
I didn't stop.
This has many meanings and sums up this weekend in so many ways.
I got home Thursday night and barely had time to take a shit when I packing my bags to leave again... A weekend in town. I didn't stop.
Because I was in Cock Block (If you don't know what I am talking about scroll down) for Valentine's Day, myself and an important person in my life decided to celebrate when I got back. We checked into the Delta friday evening. The room was huge. I have lived in apartments that were smaller than this place. It had a living room.
We went to Magnum & Stein's for dinner. The place is very nice. I had a plate of various shellfish that was delicious beyond written explanation. It was more than I could eat. I didn't stop.
After dinner we went to the store and bought champagne and Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. We then went back to the hotel and turned on the jacuzzi. I didn't stop.
We slept in the next morning and was greeted with shitty snow. The real greasy stuff. We were downtown. The car wouldn't move. When I did move, I didn't stop.
Last night Miranda celebrated her 24th birthday. When Miranda is doing party stuff, you have to get in on it. It's always a blast. I got the usual phone call around 7 O'clock.
"What are you at me trout?"
"dis is it by"
"What time are you goin to the riff-raff?"
"I'm leaving now in a bit when She gets ready"
"Can you swing by and give me a ride on yer way? I was gonna ask Shandera but it's out of the way for him"
"Yes by I spose. Are you going to be ready when I leave?"
"I just needs to brush my teeth"
"Very good. I'll see you in a bit"
If you are "one of the by's" you know what happens next. This time I was surprised. He was showered (I assume), dressed. He was already half in the bag! This guy got his shit together. I later find out that he, in fact, DID shower. He drank half a bottle of wine in there.
The bowling was great. My greatest regret was not being drunk. I took a lot of pictures. I'll put em on facefuck as soon as my camera allows me to. Warford didn't appreciate its complexity. I don't think I have ever used it when I was drunk. I'm sure it doesn't make it easier. The only things that get easier for me when I am drinking is shooting pool and getting naked.
Corner Brook is done son! I think that's what Shandera would say if he was a sprinklerfitter. That's what I am saying. Glad to be out of the mill, glad to be out of the Humber Haven, glad to be away from the bearded-brute's face. I love working with him... I just can't handle him on a non-professional level.
This post was written on friday, february 15th
I am buzzed. This is the closest I have been to drunk since Shandera’s housewarming party. I think my guitar humidifier is still there. In a Peteresque gesture, I brought fireworks. This is the second time I brought fireworks to his new house. New Year’s proved to be too shitty. Madeline scares the shit out of me. She has no fear. I thought the “Party Girl” was going to blow her head off. she’s a trooper. The writer’s strike is over... I think. I am in the near-wilderness. I am not quite sure. I can’t wait for Saturday Night Live to start again (Even though it has been kinda shitty as of late) Just before the strike they hired a new missus. I hope she is better than Amy Poehler. She only has a couple of ways of being funny and she has exhausted those ways long ago.
This post was written on Thursday February 14th
I should be home this time next week. Barring any catastrophic mishap, I’ll be somewhere handy to Conception Bay on Thursday. It couldn’t come soon enough. Large men are drinking beer at the foot of my bed and complaining on how the beer isn’t cold enough. This is how I am spending Valentine’s Day.
I have lost 27 pounds since this summer. I need to lose long term girlfriends more often. just kidding.
This Blog was written on Monday, February 11.
I’m back in Corner Brook. Sometimes I refer to it as CB. It can stand for Corner Brook or Cock Block. Both are true. We are staying in a Motel this time. There is no Internet. This place kinda reminds me of the place a couple on the lam would “hang low” for a couple of a days until the heat dies down... We are not far from Corner Brook but we are in a sort wilderness. The guy next door is fucking a woman that’s not his wife.One of the guys I am working with is ecstatic with our accommodations. “40 dollars a day between 3 fellers me buddy. Ya can’t beat dat” Comfort is certainly not one of his priorities. As long as there is a cribbage board and the space channel, he is happy. He is sitting at the foot of my bed as I write this. The place is so small that this is considered a comfortable distance. This is how I’ll probably spend Valentine’s day.There is a fridge in the room. It was warm on the inside when we arrived last night so I turned it on. It’s still warm now. That’s what 40 dollars gets you I guess.That same guy I was talking about earlier... flash back to him. You have pay attention to him sometimes. It gets hard sometimes because he gets repetitive. Sometimes though, he’ll say something that’ll blow your mind or will offend you in ways you never thought possible. Here’s one of my favorites...“Me buddy, I got no problem with gay people. I think they should be able to get married and do whatever. I just don’t think they should be doctors, nurses or teachers or anything like that.” Feel free to comment.
Pre-Blog Note:
I wrote this Blog on the night of February 9th but the internet seems to be still in its infancy here in C.B.N. and wasn't working last night. Life becomes that much more boring around the bay when the internet fails. I think the previous sentence is a lovely precursor to the actual blog post. Here it goes.
I went in town for the day today. I think that is the first time I have said that this century. I have been living “around the bay” for two weeks and I already miss it. Especially Future shop. I went in town today to get my fix. Armed with gift certificates from Christmas I embarked on a mini-spree in order to get the smell of new electronics wafting across my nose once again. I walked out with nothing and I am truly disgusted about it.I didn’t take me long to realize the reason for my lack of silicon and semiconductors. In August of 2007 I found myself responsible for paying the entire rent on a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment in Paradise. Most of you will know what happened therefore I will not go into detail. It was the fear of not having enough money that kept me away from my electronic needle-and-spoon. Even though I had gift certificates and no money would be coming out of my pocket, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t justify making frivolous purchases. I guess I am easily conditioned. There weren’t many good sales worth taking advantage of anyways. Future Shop in St. John’s kinda reminds me of the Canadian Tire in Carbonear. You get this deadly flyer in the mail promising sales that would make you really give like Santa and save like Scrooge. You rush down there only to find out that not only are they out of stock but they never had the fuckin’ thing in the first place.
Next, I have entered a couple of thoughts that popped in my head recently take them with a grain of sulphuric acid:
I think MUN should get a hockey team. They are one of the few universities in Canada that doesn’t have one. When the Fog Devils finally get the fuck out of town Mile One will be empty and MUN hockey could be a successful venture. Lots of people have a connection and/or pride towards MUN. You’d get a lot more people going to Seahawk’s Hockey than Seahawk’s Basketball or Soccer.
I should buy a rubber cunny. That would be cool to bring to parties and stick between the cushions of the host’s couch.
*Note*: When I was searching for a link to stick to "rubber cunny", I found this. Feel free to comment.
My blog is still a proverbial fetus and I have already offended someone. I expected it to come from the post where I discussed people with Down Syndrome and the roles they play on TV. Turns out it was the one about the nurses. What can I say. I offend people in the strangest ways possible.
Fuck Bluetooth headsets. I was at Jungle Jim's tonight and the guy in the booth behind he had one on his head... In the fucking restaurant. Anyways, Johnny Bluetooth gets a call. He initially ignores the annoying ringtone for a few moments before finally submitting to its shitty melody. He then starts talking into his headset VERY loudly. Hey buddy, if your headset is that shitty that you have to speak as loud as you did in order for the jerk on the other end (purely assumption btw) to hear you, throw the fucking thing away. Why are you using a hands-free thingie in a restaurant anyways? Are you afraid you'll lose control of the booth and crash into the sea of balls in the back? Sir, go to fuck. I hope that thing gives you an electric shock next time it rings.
The Haters were a great band. I suppose you could call them a Newfoundland Supergroup. This is the only recording (as far as I know of) they have. I really like the song, especially the end. We opened for them at that particular show. I think it was the most money we made for one performance. Jody Richardson will do that to a show.
Anyone remember EAtShiT Radio?
If you knew me before this mellenium, you would know what I am talking about. I had a internet radio show that broadcast from the bowels of my parents basement. This was way before podcasts and similar bullshit. Every now and again I'll hear a song that reminds me of the broadcasts. This is one of them. This is another. I heard somewhere that smell evokes past memories more than any other scent. I am a musical shithead. Different sounds and songs put me in places I have been before. What does this remind you of? If you are over the age of 24 you should have some kind of recollection.
Corky is a shitty name. That's why I thought that "Life Goes On" was such a pile of shit. I can only imagine what should have happened in real life...
DOCTOR: I have examined your new-born boy and and I am happy to say that he is perfectly healthy. We have also determined that the baby has Down's Syndrome. You both are excellent parents and I think that you'll both be able to provide the special care necessary and be able to nurture the boy and have him live to his full potential. What are you going to call him?"
PARENTS: Corky.
DOCTOR: Get the fuck outta this room! You should be ashamed of yourselves. Kids are cruel ya know. It's going to be hard enough having to grow up with Down's. You are going to call him Corky now and make sure he never has any friends? I'm calling the cops.
This is how it plays out in my head. I laugh at myself.. kinda like Jimmy Fallon. Did he ever do a sketch without laughing? People say he was the funniest performer on SNL in years but I don't think you would have laughed at a lot of his sketches if he didn't bust out laughing during his lines and make everyone else in the sketch laugh.
Check out this tune. We played with these guys at a battle of the bands once... It was like, their first or second ever show. They played one song twice because they didn't know any more. Not very good when you are playing a 6 song set. I think they still won... They are that good. Good bands can do that and get away with it.
There's supposed to be a snowstorm here today. I don't know if snowstorms are the same here as they are on the east coast. Even though we are staying at a hotel, I guarantee I'll be shoveling. The guys I work with are like that.
My line of work has poked me in parts of this province that I never thought I would ever need to go to. It was in these places that I realized who my dream girl is. The girl who gives me googlie eyes. It's not a girl a with long hair or big tits (Although I am patrial). Are you ready for my dream girl?
Nurses.
There's nothing in this world that I find sexier than a nurse. I once told this to a very important person in my life and she offered to dress up like one for me. Although I appreciated her offer, she missed the point. It wasn't a physical attraction. I am attracted to the trade. I am brutal for breaking myself up. There's nothing sexier than a girl that can patch me up after I do something stupid. Oddly enough, I have never been to one of those mixers put off by the MUN nursing class. I guess it's because they aren't actually nurses yet.
I just got out of the shower and as I was in there soapin and shavin I thought of song I haven't heard in eons. Check it out. Whatever happened to them?
