Future, revealed

I plan on making a compilation of my favorite SNL sketches and placing them on this blog. They won't be all my favorites. Some of them I have been unable to find on the internet and they are quite old. There will be a couple from the Jason Bateman episode. I'm really looking forward to doing this. Because I am a geek. An SNL geek. My sister owns Trivial Pursuit - SNL Edition. I have only played a complete game of it once. It is hard to get people to play. Kirk Bussey has been the only person who looks forward to playing it with me.
At the end of the only game I played, I got to the centre place on the board and the game clinching question was about to be asked. This is what it was.
"What is the name of the Chris' Farley character who 'lives in a van down by the river'"
I was wearing a shirt at the time that had those words printed on it. I am geek. I won.

In Flight Disappointment

The posts should be coming fast and furious. This week was eventful.

I went on the road this week.
Fortune.
The place.

You go to Fortune if you want to go to St. Pierre. I wouldn't necessarily recommend spending any time in either of those places. The only upside to Fortune is that it is a great place to get cheap St. Pierre liquor. Obtaining a crock of Gin was one of my two objectives on this trip. The other being getting the fuck out of there in a timely manner. While I didn't get any liquor, I did get salt fish splits. I don't like 'em but the old man lost his shit when he found out that I got him some.


Since 2004, I have been waiting for In Flight Safety to return to St. John's to perform a show. This past Friday, they played at the Ship. I had tickets well in advance. After a well-timed series of events, I watched them take the stage at around 1:30. They played a short set.... Probably the shortest set out of the the three acts that took the stage. They played three songs that weren't on their new album. Although I enjoyed hearing new IFS, I would have liked to hear a song off their first record. I discovered the band through that album. It would have been nice to hear at least one song off that E.P. And, as if to rub it in my face, they get up to do an encore and do two cover songs. One of them being "99 Luftbaloons" I was ready to leave at that point. I wasn't going to go to the second show. I wanted to go to the second show after the first show because the first show was so disappointing and I didn't want to have that taste left in my mouth. I have since convinced myself that the second show would probably be the same.
Shame on the works of ya...

Point the headstock towards the sky!!!!

Parents:
I am sick of you going into music stores and exclaiming to the clerk that your kid can play guitar hero on expert and therefore needs a real guitar because they have "natural talent". Your kid is good at video games, not music. Anyone who thinks shredding the solo to "welcome to the jungle" is same as hitting plastic coloured buttons should be kicked in the nuts. I'm not against these games. I'm against the parents who are too stupid or out of touch to know the difference.

The drums work though. Since I started playing drums on Rockband, my skills on an actual drum kit have drastically improved, especially in regard to the kick drum.

I always wondered if the musicians who have music in these games play their own songs in the game. I found this.... goes to show how much the parents know....

We're so beyond this...

This song is just awesome.... Is it okay that I like Tegan and Sara so much? They are twins. They are gay twins. Both of them. When guys say "I wonder do they make out with each other?" I reply "I dunno. Do you make out with YOUR sister?" Gets 'em every time.

Subaru spreads STIs

When getting a battery of tests to see which STIs you got or don't got, they do a test for chlamydia. Apparently, there are two ways to do the test. The old way, and the new way. The new way don't hurt. The doctor I saw the other day don't know that way. He didn't know much. He didn't know where the tests were and spent the better part of 15 minutes scouring the clinic to find them. He ended up calling his doctor-buddy who let him in on the stash.

I get up on the table and remove clothing. This is the first time I have ever had to show my genitals to someone whom I didn't know their first name. Then he says something like "Yes by', shaves yer balls do you ya?" then jabs the stick where the pee comes out.

It hurt. Ya knows it did. Buddy said it would hurt. He talked like he was going to cut it off. It wasn't that bad. I made a little whimper and then it was done.

I hops up and says "Sure that wasn't bad at all!" He looked at me like he didn't believe me. He was trying to see that shimmer of pain that would be in my eyes if I was trying to be macho about it. I guess he psyched me out.
I felt like saying "I once smashed my finger in the end of a piece of pipe and continued to work without looking at it for 15 minutes" but that's sprinkler talk. I feel really embarrassed when I talk like that.
It kept hurting though. all the way to Dairy Queen. I said "Fuck this minor pain, I'm getting a sundae" and I did. And my bird stopped hurting. And everything felt right in the world. Until I got home. Syrup Turnip wasn't there. She was around the bay. I'm sure she would have said something clever that would have degraded me in some way. What a sweetheart.

My birthday is on Saturday. I am having a get-together on friday. Facefuck me for the details. It will be the last day of me being 27. I really thought I was going to die this year.

Shit, I'm going to be late for work

I have added a new ringtone to my phone. It is becoming one of my fav-or-ite songs.

Unrelated, The next couple of days will be crucial. I wish everyone could see what I see.

My afternoon was planned before i knew it...

At breakfast this morning....

Me: "Hey, that's that missus..."
Syrup: "Huh?"
Me: "That waitress that really likes us. She works at Montana's too. I hope we get her today."
Syrup: "Huh?"
Me: "The waitress by', the waitress!"
Syrup: "Oh, sorry. I was thinking about Jurassic Park...."

When in doubt, shout it out

Red Wine, Scary-thriller movies and the futon don't mix.

"Hey, I'm going to the bathroom, don't steal my beer while I am gone"

Today I feel bad.
I feel bad for Syrup Turnip.
I feel bad for Ashley Ryan.
I feel bad for Johnathan Clark.

Last night was intense. I have never had quite an experience like that before. I didn't know he was drunk. If I knew that, things would have gotten worse, and I would have felt worse today.

I tried to look for a video. Most of them hit a little too close to home. I found this one.

Forgetting Peter Russell

Syrup Turnip wants this be her ringtone:

Peter's Blog Sold Out...

I want drums. I found drums. I don't have the money for drums. I am selling shit in order to pay for drums.

I'm selling my ps2. It got a Modchip and a 250 GB hard drive in it. This means you can download ps2 games off the internets and load them on the hard drive and play them. It'll play import games and everything. I got 2 Guitar Hero guitars that are going along with it. Guitar hero 1,2 and guitar hero rocks the 80s will come with it. Guitar hero 3 is on the hard drive along with a mess of other games. I got 3 or 4 controllers to go with it. Memory Card as well. Multitap is included. I got a hard shell carrying case for it too that I'll throw in.
I'm asking $250 bucks for the works of it.

I'm also selling my electric guitar. it's a 93 Ibanez EX3700. It's a rare model. They only made it for two years. It's kinda like a RG.
I'm asking $225 for that.

I might be selling my Wii. Haven't decided on that one yet.....

99.1 SHIT FM

My mother listens to CBC radio. Exculsively. I listen to it from time to time. Especially in the morning. My mother used to listen to the FM stations form time to time, but no longer. It all stems from a couple of years back when the CBC staff was on strike. The programming on the public broadcaster was reduced to reruns, crap, and the BBC. Mom was growing tired of it and switched to the top 40 channel. Unfortunetly for her, this was during the peak of "My Humps" so-called popularity. That would deter anyone from moving radios from 640 on the A.M. dial. Mom thinks Green Day's "American Idiot" is a great album. I love her for that. She also digs this tune.

those pics made her very quiet,

Sarah Turpin has her own place. And just when couch surfing was starting to become popular. I was down there yesterday. She was unpacking boxes from what seemed like a different life that she had. She came across this box of photographs. I sat next to her as she skimmed through them, placing them into piles, but it didn't really seem as if they were becoming anymore organized. Every now and then she would come across a picture with her in it and say either "I was soooo drunk here" or "I am soooo drunk in this picture" The only pictures where she didn't say that was when there were pictures of her and Peter Miles (It might be spelled with a y, whatever). I knew him from before but didn't know that I knew him until I saw those pics. That guy went downhill a bit. He probably doesn't read my blog so I can safely say that without reprocussions. I'm not too worried either way. I probably look as good now as I'm gonna get. I was fat before and I'll be older and deformed from a workplace accident soon enough.

There was a wedding last night. Warford drank wine out of a shoe and I drank the water out of the centerpiece in the middle of the table. Classy.

I feel I should give you something to listen to. Shuv dis up in ya.

Fruit on the bottom, Hair on top.

Paul Warford and Sarah Turpin showed up as my house on Thursday afternoon. They do that. I don't mind. They sit to the table and make fake lesson plans. This day it was different. Warford was doing the funny-ha-ha racket downtown that night and he was supposed to pose as Mitch Hedburg. The Afro wasn't making it convincing. Turpin was going to straighten his hair. I have seen pics of Warford with straight hair and it looks unnatural. Like two-headed dog unnatural. With their combined dedication and willpower, they got about half-way through before deciding that they didn't want to do it anymore and decided that just wearing aviator glasses was convincing enough. He did the voice pretty well, and told half-jokes. That's dedication.

Why, even dracula will be there....

This should be played on the radio more often.

If you tolerate Hollaback Girl, your children will be next...

For some reason, this* song has been going through my head at work. This is unfortunate seeing how I am already miserable working in a cold, damp concrete building. This song crossed my mind today. I forgot all about it. Hadn't heard it about 7 or 8 years. I like it when that happens.
*Don't click on this if you are at work or if you are offended by bananas.

My house smells like grass. I think that is wonderful.

And Dean Drover was there for all of it...

I forgot about this until tonight. I have been meaning to post this for a while but I haven't got around to it until now. The video is longer but it's pretty much the same thing. I love Butler's reaction.



The Vest's name is Dolly. She is on facebook

A.D.D. post. (Now with 17% more Michael Phelps)

I had teeth ripped out of my head again today. I bled profusely at one point. Blood pours from my upper orifices quite frequently. I had it under control. I understand how blood clots work.

Ediie Winslow is a bigger loser than Steve Urkel. At least Urkel was smart and invented cool and/or funny things. Ediie had a big head and hung around with Steve Urkel. And Waldo Faldo. Guilty by association.

Somebody finally wore stockings for me.

I created a facebook account for the vest. We called it Dolly. Thank you Rachel. We really miss you when you aren't around because you have to be one of the most fun people I have ever met. You and Sarah Turpin are made for one another.

When did Saturday Night Live start doing reruns live? Michael Phelps was in a sketch the ther week that was exactly like a sketch Peyton Manning was in last year. Who lets Lorne Micheals get away with this? Are the writers on the show that bad that they have to redo sketches. Is this their way of making recurring characters. I can not think of any noteworthy ones as of late. History is repeating itself.

I like this song. The breakdown is epic. The video is shitty.

And you thought I was loaded...

Drunk people call my phone when they are drunk.




Transcript:
"Hi Pete. This is Kass. I just wanted to let you know that Jager is fucked. Anyways, callin' ya on Miranda's phone. Aaaaand that's cool I really hope you got the tide out of yer orange juice. Buh-bye."

...

I have become attached to a certain Coffeebean.

We stole the idea from each other....

I've noticed that Facebook makes it look like me and Warford are in a drunken relationship. I've selected a few gems so that you know what I am talking about...

You don't know Gus

Sometimes you know someone, then they say something that changes everything you everr thought about them. This happened 3 times in the past week. I'm not going into details. 2 of them know what I am talking about. One of them is so self-centered that they have no idea that what they said was probably the most hurtful, offensive thing I have ever heard them say. Our friendship is in serious jeopardy because of it. What a waste of 7 years. Lol

G'wan witcha

I sleep with my eyes open.
People that don't know really know me tell me that I am full of shit. I do though. Sometimes wide open. Freckledick once took a picture of me with his phone when I was asleep and it was that disturbing to me that I haven't able to look at it since. When I first started working on the road, I fell asleep in the back of my co-workers truck. The two guys in the front seat were talking and asking me questions. They became concerned when I became unresponsive. They pulled over and started shaking me. I immediately woke up and told them that we weren't going to get along "if they got on with that childish bullshit" I had to explain my condition to them afterwards. I earned the nickname "snake eyes"
Fot those who still don't believe....

Karma (The Bad Kind).....

My Apologies.

We were drunk and hungry....

Happy Birthday Andrew Butler

Saturday night live isn't funny anymore. Last week, They did a sketch will Michael Phelps that was EXACTLY the same as a sketch they did with Peyton Manning a year or two ago. It was a live re-run. Shame on Lorne Michaels for allowing that to be aired.
I blame NBC for the decline in Saturday Night Live. In 1999, they changed the way there do contracts for SNL players and writers. Long term deals, commitments to movies, commitments to NBC sitcoms. A lot of good comedians get turned off by these demands and opt not to sign with this once comedic mecca. NBC is trying to cash in on the next Adam Sandler and Mike Myers. The problem is, the next Adam Sandler and Mike Myers isn't going to sign a shitty contract like that. All you get is unfunny people like Andy Samburg, Seth Myers (SNL's head writer btw), and Amy Poehler.

Norm MacDonald was funny on the show. Wasn't much of a character actor though. I have a feeling NBC kept him on a short leash as well. Here is a classic appearance by him on Conan O'Brien from 1997:
Part 1


Part 2


Part 3

The princeess needs your assistance...

I had a date Saturday night. It went very well, I must admit. It went so well that it happened a day early. If you are scratching your head, I don't blame you. I've made things unnecessarily complicated. This is what I do. I went out Friday night instead of Saturday night. Relationships are always fun when they are new. The other person hasn't heard all your stupid stories yet, the look the other person has in their eyes is nothing like you have ever seen before. We'll see how this one pans out.....
The power cord on my laptop broke on Sunday. It is now in a shop getting repaired. This means I have to use my desktop computer. It's not actually on a desktop. it's on the floor and connected to my living room television. The screen is too fucking big. You can't read emails on this. If the blinds are open, the people across the street can read about all my financial transactions with the Nigerian monarchy. I also have a dislike of Windows. I do like WinAMP and the vast library of music contained on this machine.

I feel so busy right now and it's a good feeling. Slap me in the face and wake me up.

The lights just drift by....

I heard this song on the radio tonight on the way to Warford's. I like songs with a beat when I am driving Columbus drive at night, during summer. This song was perfect. It was moments like that one that I cherished the most this summer.

Sometimes you just gotta grab the Cow by the....

I wanna jump up in the air and click my heels. I am in bed. I'm not getting out to do that. Perhaps I'll make the yellow pages-walking fingers thingie and do one the top of my laptop. Something just burst wide open inside. I hope it isn't my spleen.

I always liked the expression "If he fell into a barrel of cunnys, he'd still come up with a cock in his mouth" If you don't get it, It refers to the amplitude of someone's homosexuality. I think I like it because it uses the word Cunny, which I find amusing and is the word a most often use to describe female genitalia. Number two would probably be "Cootch" Would you be allowed to say either on the radio or television? Maybe on Showcase.
I found out that my friends poke fun at me because I refer to having sex as "screwin'". I didn't think it was that funny until they brought it up. It's like something a 12 year-old would say. A lot of what I say could be mistaken for a 12 year-old's words. Cowabunga.

This Is How You Remind Me...**

There are songs that remind me of people. One of my first blog entries touched on the fact that songs remind me of situations, summers, people etc. I had to go back and check just in case I wasn't doing a rerun or clip show. It's not. Here are some songs and the people they remind me of:

I Mother Earth / Summertime in the void - Aoife
The Bloodhound Gang / Fire Water Burn - Wallace
Pantera / This Love - Dennis
Kaiser Chiefs / Ruby - Julie
Matthew Good Band / Indestructible - Daniel
Any song by the Goo Goo Dolls - Jennifer T
Red Hot Chili Peppers / Coffee Shop - Pike
George Jones / White Lightning - Butler
Sunshine State / Day Job - Andrea
Ween / Voodoo Lady - Dave
The Cure / Burn - Shandera
Taking Back Sunday / Bike Scene - Warford
Feed / Just a Mess* - Krista (Good luck finding that one the internet)
Phantom Planet / California - The Entire Milley Family
Snow Patrol / Chasing Cars - Angela
Len / Steal My Sunshine - Turpin
Leonard Cohen / Closing Time - Williams
Stardust / The Music Sounds Better With You - Colin (He liked that song, if you can believe that)
Katy Perry / I Kissed a Girl - The whole bunch at the Hillbily Ranch. Also reminds me of vomiting

I am certain that there are more but these are ones that popped in my head instantly.

Man in the box reminds everyone of Dustin Bartlett.

What song(s) remind you of me? I have a feeling Sloan, Pearl Jam, In-Flight Safety and maybe Joel Plaskett (Depending on how long you have known me) may be responses.

I didn't put my sister in this list. The reason for this is because she was/is probably my biggest musical influence. There would be too many songs to list.

*This is what came up when I googled "Feed Just a Mess Newfoundland"


Kate Nash / Foundations - Spring 2008

** I had to change the title of this entry after the fact because it really had had no context other than it was a line in the Kate Nash song. I'm trying to pull this thing from the depths of sorrow to the nonsense, bullshit blog that it used to be.

Looks like we have a mexican stand-off

Sarah Turpin reads my blog. Hello Turpin. I didn't think she did. She said I was a very sad person. I would consider this statement correct, wouldn't you? I don't know if it shows or not, but I think I'm on the upswing. It feels that way. I say things around Sarah Turpin that don't necessarily make sense. Things like Computerized cow. Even in context, it didn't make sense.

Sunday night Whinos

Here I am at the beginning of September. The unofficial last day of summer. "Good riddence" I says. This has certainly been a summer to forget. Especially since the highlights of the summer include discovering the Boone's Chug and having a drunk girl in Goose Bay try to give me a handjob in the middle of a crowded bar.
I didn't have sex either. Me and David Duchovny should hang out. I could straighten him out. This is the longest time I have gone without having sex since I lost my virginity. It actually doesn't bother me that much. I have been stood up too many times recently to give a shit about women right now.

Enough of the chickenshit-bullshit. Let's talk about this weekend... weeee!
I didn't go into work on Friday. I had an appointment that morning and took the day off to go to it. This meant I could sleep in a little later. I ended up at The Ship on Thursday night. Cherie Pyne released a CD there that night. I bought the CD. Unfortunately, most of the songs that she played that I had enjoyed were on one or more of her previous records. Paul Warford told me an attractive girl was giving me the up and down while we were there. He did not tell me this though until we were in the car, on the way home. "Thanks, shithead" I said. If she was hanging out at The Ship, I would say that she was a little too artsy for me. She's the kind of girl who wouldn't have sex with me because I once ate beef jerky. Get over it. Vegetables aren't everything.
Friday night was at Robert Shandera's house. He turned 27 this weekend and he invited a crowd over to celebrate. Robert Shandera invited many single women to his party. A true pal. None of these girl showed up though. They all went to send a girl off to Australia. It was just as well. It was lost. It was a boy's night. I did a Boone's chug. Kirk and Miranda showed up and announced their engagment. That just leaves Me, Warford and Pike.
Saturday was one of the days the three of us will talk about years from now. Shandera, Warford and myself drove out to Spaniard's Bay to get fitted for our tuxedos for Shandera's wedding. We walk in and tell the missus who were are and what we are doing there and she goes around the corner to get nice clothes for us to try on. We wander the shop, making fun of silly dresses and trying on top hats. Me and warford are in a corner where there is a mannequin wearing a wedding dress. I walk up behind the headless woman and start grinding her. I turn on my camera and tell warford to make love to the lifeless form. He gets behind the mannequin, places his hands on her hips and starts thrusting, much to our delight. Missus comes back around the corner and shouts "Get outta dat!" Laughter ensues. Missus goes back around the corner and warford makes his way towards the mannequin and whispers "c'mon, c'mon get a shot of this hee hee" He resumes thrusting the mannequin from behind when the missus comes around the corner and catches him doing it AGAIN! Missus bawls out: "Now Paul, what would yer mudder think if she knew you were doin' dat!?" I really wish I had a movie of the whole thing. Still photography will have to do.

After we get fitted and we see our parents, we go to Ernie Green's for a feed of chicken, potato and lard. A tasty treat. My car still smells like garlic and savory.
Saturday night was full of inspiration. I was hungry and my eyes could have used visine....
Sunday was Robert's birthday. We decided to go to comedy and then hit the street for tomfoolery. Comedy was pretty good. There was a girl there who i had not seen before. Her name was Mikaela and she was funny. Not a typical female comedian. Nothing was typical about her. She was funny (duh), smart and absolutely attractive in my eyes. Warford told me she had perfomed here before but hadn't been around in a long time. After the show I went up and talked to her in an attempt to find out more about this woman that intrigued me so much. Turns out she hadn't done comedy in a while at the Victory because she lives in fucking Toronto and is home for a few days. Alas, my world continues to spin on.
We leave the comedy 3/4 of the way cocked. We immediately turn into a dark alley where myself and warford take turns drinking a bottle of homemade wine from his father. This is where the night goes downhill for me. We end up at Greensleeves downing pint after pint and shouting requests to the poor musician on the stage. "Play Metallica! I bet you can't fucking play Metallica!" He did. On an acoustic guitar no less. I don't remember much about leaving. A friend of a friend saw me and later said "I wasn't fit and could barely stand up" That sounds about right.
We are walking down the street and I see I girl I know. For a while I had an interest in her. That's a different story. Anyways, I approach her and say "hello". She looks up and gives a cheerful "Hi" that she is known for. It is at this point I realize how drunk I am really am. I don't know what to do. So I tell her the truth'
"Uh, I'm too drunk to talk to you right now" I say. Then walk away.
I guess I won't be calling her anytime soon.
I then ate a hotdog, went home and threw up. First time in a long time. I was due. I needed that hangover too. Made me realize the messes I am putting myself in.

Haven't had an A.D.D post in a while so....

Wanna go for a coffee with me?
I have asked that question more frequently this summer than I have in my entire life. partly because I didn't really drink much of it until this year, partly because going for coffee has become the "go to the bar for a drink" for people who don't live downtown.
I would love to live downtown. I moving the to opposite of downtown. That's okay though. The new accommodations will suit just fine.

Nothing funny is happening anymore. Maybe funny stuff is happening but I am too miserable to find it funny. I would say this is the most likely scenario. Funny stuff happens around me. I hang out with Paul Warford.

Someone gave me some inside information yesterday. Exciting information. I have been asked not to mention it to anyone and I will honor that request. I hope it goes through. I am pretty pumped about it. weeeeeeee!

Robert Shandera is having people intoxicate themselves and other at his house tomorrow night. Hopefully this will provide some stories, pictures and/or video footage. I can tell you that a Boone's chug will be performed and, depending on who is in attendance, I may possibly perform back-to-back chug's. Vomiting will be a guarantee.

I think I am going to make a little noise tonight. In one way or another.

Teenage weekend

Sunday afternoon.
Me and Warford leave Shandera's place at the same time he did. He was going to Kent's. We were going to the airport. We approach a red light and as we do, Warford realizes that we will be side by side with Shandera when we stop. He gets excited. "Have we got time? Have we got time? I'm gonna fuckin' moon him"
"Yeah, sure" I says "The light just turned red"
He scrambles and struggles with belts and buttons and soon he's on his knees on passenger seat with his bare ass in the air. Unfortunately for me, Shandera was on our left hand hand and I was driving. This meant Paul Warford's hairy bum was an unacceptable distance from my face.
Shandera starts to laugh. Partially for the fact that his childhood friend is showing him parts of body that aren't usually seen at an intersection, but mostly for the fact that we were surrounded on all sides by parked traffic, especially the elderly woman who was visibly taken aback by the public anal display. Light turns green and we take off.
We get to the airport and I park along the sidewalk in front of the building. Fuck yer signs saying the car will be towed. There are a gang of airport employees smoking not far from the car as I park. I get out and walk around the car. Warford is a bit slower than me. He gets out and realises his pant are still half down from mooning Shandera in Mount Pearl. I laugh. The smokers giggle and make funny looks. I am sure they have questions about what these two men were doing in the car beforehand. "No funny stuff going on here guys, we were just mooning a childhood friend earlier." I didn't actually say that. Whatever I said would have sounded just as stupid.




I have taken a liking to Tegan and Sara. They have clever melodies. I remember a week this past winter when this song was the only one in my head. Not for the lyrics, the melody is just easy to remember and I like it.

"It's not us, it's the situation"

Tomorrow is Andrew and Rachel's 1 st anniversary. I will wish them thousands of congratulations. Hopefully the will eventually both live in the same country.

My world was a a very different place 365 days ago.

Part of a complete breakfast...

This weekend was lost to say the least.
Friday night we had a party for Kirk Bussey. He had accepted a job in central newfoundland as a teacher and we were going to do a Century Club with him before we left. Too bad we didn't ask him if he was going to be around this weekend. He wasn't. He had to go to Marystown for a wedding. That didn't stop us.
This was only my 2nd time performing this feat. I said that I was going to do it with Guinness. Everyone thought I was nuts. It worked out very well and I am still nuts. I had a cd made with 100 clips of minutes songs. Every time the song changed, you were supposed to drink. I lost that CD and had to make up a new one the night before. Which is hard. Trying to find a 100 songs. Maybe I'm just lazy. Anyways, turns out I only put 98 songs on the CD. Andrew Butler came through. He is clutch like that.
Next Morning.
Warford wakes up before 10 O'clock. This is quite a feat. He is slightly hungover. If you seen the pics on facebook, you'd understand. We celebrate him seeing the sun before it reaches it's peak in the sky by going to Cora's downtown. The place is busy but not too bad. We get (possibly) the best table two bachelors could get. It is a window seat right next to the computer that the waitresses place their orders in. They wear tight black pants at Cora's. A nice bum must be a prerequisite there.
Our table was also next to the door that you use to access the outside deck. There were wasps on the deck that day. Some people didn't like it. One of the waiters especially. He was rather flamboyant. This made his fear of wasps quite amusing. He wouldn't bring the food to the people outside. Instead, he used to give it to the waitresses to bring out. We found it funny. Then a wasp perched itself on the inside of the door. The gay waiter fuckin lost it. "Oh God! Oh! God! Kill it! Someone kill it! Angela! You kill it! It's gonna sting me, I know it." This went on for sometime and I was growing tired of the whining. Warford was visibly annoyed. I had enough. I stood up, rolled up my menu, went over and beat that fucking wasp into oblivion. I wanted to beat the fucking waiter into oblivion but beating the wasp was much more socially acceptable.
I was especially attracted to one waitress. I think her name was katherine or kaitlin. Something like that. I didn't ask her out. I lack confidence. Also, I know how much these poor waitresses are getting asked out all the time and all they need now is another shithead asking them out on dates. My heart is not into it either....

Next thing ya know, I'm going to a Disney themed party. Everyone is supposed to dress like a character. I dressed up as aladdin. I already had the hat.
I didn't know anyone at the party except for Paul Warford. By the end of the party, I had met lots of people, I wouldn't be able to tell you who I met though. I was pretty loaded, again.

Next morning, myself, Paul Warford and Robert Shandera went to Cora's for breakfast. Unfortunately, we were unable to secure the table with the spectacular view. Which was probably a good thing because sitting at the table next to it was a former important person in my life. The guys knew something was wrong. I didn't want something to be wrong. My gut just made me feel that way. Coffee fixed that.
It wasn't the fact that she was there, she was there with someone that I accused her of cheating on me with. I couldn't say for sure that it happened. But about 10 minutes after I brought it up, we were broke up. She didn't like what was happening, I didn't like what was happening. I don't know why I asked her. How could I win? She says no, I look like and asshole, I feel bad, I fail. If she says yes, I feel bad, I fail. That moment burned so many bridges and sabotaged the relationship and any chance of reconciliation.

"It's times like these you learn to live again"

The ol' switcheroo

Girlfriends kill blogs.
Single people put messages on t-shirts.

These statement are true. I plan on putting them on t-shirts.

Ever see the episode of Seinfeld where George and Elaine switch lives? George becomes all successful and charming and elaine becomes the loser and Jerry has everything even out?. This is happening with Warford and Me.
I am the only one out of the group that is single and I am finding it exceedingly awkward around women. I have also started spilling shit on me. I wear a nice white t-shirt out to the coffee hangout tonight and walk out of the place wearing a tie-dye red and white number that Jack White would be proud of.

In one month I'll be cleaning this apartment for the last time. Then I'll be moving into a house. A big, empty house. It kinda bums me out because I have no furniture to put in it. I am also nervous that the size of the place will make me feel lonely. Come visit me when I move to airport heights... If it isn't out of your way.

I have been singing Joel Plaskett songs in my head for the past week. This week it has been Fur Packed Action. A few lines have been on repeat....

-Now I'm doing everything I've accused you of
Wallowing in harmful feelings
It's ok, It's alright, Another day, another night
I'm a punk, I can take it

Stand up and explain yourself

There were conflicting messages in my entry-before-last and the one before that. I didn't realize that until today. Although they conlfict, they both have aspects that are true. I'm still gonna enjoy the sundresses (even though summer is just about over) but I'm not gonna sweat it either. You can wear a sundress and strut over and see me. We'll see what happens.

I have been thinking about doing a stand-up comedy routine. I have thought of some bits that i would like to use. I thought of not doing it because comedy is Paul Warford's thing and I didn't want to take is thing. I have since realized that he is so much better than I'll ever be and I'll have no fear of even holding a candle to him.

Couch Surfing...

Yesterday it poured. Monsoon rain. It was ridiculous. Especially when you work in a building that doesn't have windows in it yet. Thank baby Jesus for G.F.I.s
It had rained the night before. Unfortunately, in a moment of stupidity, a had left my boots out by the door all night. I discovered this fact at 7:15. I had to back a work at 8. I was able to pour water from each boot. Long story short I made it to work, 10 minutes late, with dry footwear. Thanks go out to my future best man and to Hydro Quebec.

The Joel Plaskett Emergency played at the Arts and Culture Centre last night. I was pretty excited and nervous at the same time leading up to the event. Joel Plaskett is, in my opinion, one of the best songwriters in Canada. I have been listening to his work quite extensively for quite a few months. I can probably sing the "Ashtray Rock" album from end to end. His heartfelt lyrics have relation to the darker parts of my life that have taken place this year and is the reason why I was nervous about going. Originally, I was to go the show with a former important person in my life. I later decided (for my own sanity) not to take her. This was probably one of the better decisions I have made this week.
The show was great. Joel sang a mix of his recent work and some of his previous and solo work. He even played some stuff he hasn't released yet. There was one song, however, that I really wanted to hear -scratch that- needed to hear and you can imagine my disappointment when the house lights came on to bring an end to the concert and it still wasn't played. "Nothing More to Say". It's an "I'm finished with this" song. It would have been fitting. Alas, the world keeps spinning.
In one moment of hilarity, Shandera and I were sitting almost directly in the middle of the theatre before the show started. People were filing in and we were discussing jiu jitsu and my future participation in it. Shandera says he would like to have some ,ats so that he could practice at home and that I could practice with him. The he says (quite loudly) "Sure we can find an old mattress somewhere and roll around for a while" The gentleman to our right immediately whipped his head around and looked at us. I beat my forehead against the seat in front of me. What else are ya gonna do?

Another Boone's chug was performed last night. It wasn't recorded at the request of one of the particpants. It was his birthday. Warford's old roommate was supposed to join us for the ritual. It was her idea to have it on friday night. She didn't show up, which didn't surprise me. Girls do that regularly when I am involved in the mix. That wasn't the important part. Not by a long shot. The surprise of the night was Warford's performance in the chug. He wasn't the last one finished. He wasn't even the second-last one finished. We were all very proud. I think the birthday boy would have done better had he not picked Green Apple to chug. Poor decision.
The chug started a trend that night. I chugged everything. A Jagerbomb, 4 pints of Boddington's, MGD. I was pretty loaded by the end of it. Me and Pike were singing Radiohead songs. He was pretty loaded too. We haven't done that in a long time... I liked it a lot though.

Bobby, no matter what way you look at it, it's still fuckin retarded...

I think I am going to start Jiu Jitsu, much to Shandera's delight. He has been trying to get me to join him in his class for some time now. I have decided to do so because I need to place focus on something. I tried placing focus on women. After getting stood up for the 4th time by the 3rd different person, I have realized I am wasting my time. Someone can ask me out for a change and if I feel like showing up to that date, I will.
Jiu Jitsu won't stand me up. It'll probably knock me down, but It won't stand me up.
Robert tells me that having chest hair is not good because it gets pulled from time to time. I have chest hair. More than necessary.

If you have been in the east end lately, you would have noticed that near torbay road, around the howley estates sobey's there is a 10 story, ugly concrete structure being built there. That is going to be my place of work for the next few weeks or months. I went there today to unload a truckload of material and get a few things set up. I almost died. I was working on the side of the building pushing something through a window when a heard a loud thud next to me. I looked down and saw a piece of 2x4 lying there. some asshole threw it from the 7th story and it just missed me. Not long after that, two guys got soaked after another guy dumped water out a window. a lot of water. I anticipate a fistfight before it's all over and done with.

Feast or famine? Now we feast.

I hated being single for a while back there. I was pretty miserable to be around. You were there, you seen it. I'm sorry. Actually, I'm not. I needed that. Now I'm gonna make the most of the nice weather and the sundresses some of you women wear that drive me nuts.

It's okay,
That I was being a dick,
When I called you a cunt,
for tryin to get what you thought was right

Everybody still loves everyone,
Everybody knows what they've could have done
Everybody knows who's number 1

It's the Summer of Love
It's the Summer of Love
It's the Summer of Love
I'm gonna get me some

It's okay,
That you're feeling betrayed,
Lets hope that the things that you're saying
behind my back are as good as the things I'm saying behind yours

Everybody still loves everyone
Everybody still loves getting done
Everybody still looks 21

It's the Summer of Love
It's the Summer of Love
It's the Summer of love
I'm gonna get me some

Forgive me,
And I'll forgive you,
In this small town,
What else are we gonna do,

It' okay
It's petty to you,
but it ain't petty to me
and lay your bets on a K.O. in round 13

Everybody still loves everyone
I'm gonna get me some

I hope Uncle W gets his dicky wet tonight.

push "A"... I said PUSH "A"!!!!

Remember when you got you mom and dad to play Super Mario? Remember when they would tilt the control pad like that would make the little red fucker move faster across the screen? Remember the enjoyment you got watching your parent jump off the couch in sequence with the action on the screen? I relived those moments again tonight when my mother got on the Rockband "drum kit". The hoots, the shouts, the hops... it was all there. All sequenced to "blitzkreig bop".

Times like these...

I'm a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
to hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
do I stay or run away
and leave it all behind

I was talking to a girl I thought I liked. We were having a great conversation about ourselves and such. Then she asked me what I did for a living. I told her. She looked to the floor and I could see that the interest she had in me had immediately waned. I hate that sometimes I feel ashamed of my livelihood. It's hard for people not to be ignorant when you work in a field no one has heard of. It still hurts though.

She wanted to have 27 babies with me....

I got back on the island yesterday morning. I am so happy to be back in a more favorable musical climate. Some time ago, I made a comment in one of my posts that I didn't like music as much as I used to and I had started listening to CBC radio. After spending almost two weeks in Labrador, where CBC is the alternative to a radio station that really likes The Flummies. I'll never say that I am getting sick of the satellite radio again. I'll tell you what I am sick of.... this bag of horseshit. The girls @ the Hillbilly Ranch really liked this one and played it frequently. I did not want to hear that song more than two times in my life. If they wanted raunchy, (I guarantee, the Hillbilly was already full of it) they should have played this.
I am moving to airport heights soon pending a house inspection. Once I get there and everything is straightened away, my hat party project will go in to full swing. I wanted to have it at my present residence but you realistically can't have a party there. There were five people there at one point during the second boone's chug and it felt full. I have been contemplating ways to entice people to wear their craziest hat to the party. I have a few ideas. I won't let them loose here though. I am just very excited now. Things really are looking up.

P.S. I was listening to that flummies song as I was writing this post and they mentioned mulligan's in the song. That is the place where I was loaded and was groped and petted inside my underpants by Suzie (not her real name, you don't need to know that). I don't have the guts to post the details of the whole occasion, even though I have just told you the worst part. Thanks again Bobby for saving me from communicable disease.

EDIT: Let it be known that I did not invite Suzie to grope me and I was too drunk to do anything about it in a crowded bar. Now I know how you women feel @ the Sundance.

Balls Deep in Happy Valley

This post was written on Saturday, July 26 @ 8:23 P.M. in Goose Bay Labrador.
The shady lodging that i am staying in has no internet so I’ll post this as soon as I can find unsecured wireless. As stupid as I think people are for not putting a password on their wireless connection, I thank them every time I go on the road for work.
I am not sure the name of the place I am staying in while I am here but it is attached to this club called “The Hillbilly Ranch” It’s title is a direct result of its clientele. Not many people I have seen there have all their teeth. Seriously. I got totally wasted there on wednesday night. Bobby got pretty drunk too. I can’t really remember what happened during the tail end of the evening. Thursday night was ladies night. That was just fuckin’ retarded. A lot of natives there. Not one one of them worth looking at twice, let alone attempting receiving sexual contact from them. I am well aware of the time that has elapsed since my last encounter I’d never forgive myself if I sunk that low. Someone wanted to have sex with one of them though. I saw them do it. Between the side of the building and the side of my company van. I wanted to yell, or cheer or do something, but they saw me and didn’t stop so I figured it wasn’t worth it.
The job is going very quickly and I expect to be home sooner than I anticipated. Still not soon enough. It is hotter than a four-balled tomcat. Read that last sentence out loud, with a southern accent. Clever. Seriously, it climbs into the mid 30s here in the afternoon. At 6 P.M. it was 29 degrees. No wind either. The natives drink their beer warm. Even in this weather. They can have it.


I feel like I am missing someone but it seems I have no one to miss. I miss you Hope to see you soon, whoever you are...

The Big Land.

I leave for Labrador in the morning... As if this summer couldn't get any more fucked up. When I wanted to go on the road to work I was posted in town where I was miserable and lonely. My sister comes home from halfway around the world and I get sent to Goose Bay. I don't think I know anyone from Goose Bay or even Labrador for that matter so I shouldn't have to apologize for making the place seem shitty. In my life, right now, It's a bigger shithole than that bar on Tilton Barrens. "The Pine Grove" is the name (I think). That was a tangent.
The worst part of going there is coming back. There will be no one waiting for me at the airport. Yet the world keeps turning...

A.D.D. Posts Again

Andy Samburg isn't funny. I feel bad for Tom Hanks in this sketch. If it was anyone else there, it would have sucked horribly.

Did anyone go to Salmon Fest? Am I and all my friends too old for that racket or was it just too shitty for any of my peers to attend. Blue Rodeo would have been nice to see but not @ salmon fest. I wanna hear fuckin' rock @ that venue.

I considered deleting the post entitled "lemon post". I was quite bitter at that time for all the wrong reasons. I eventually decided to leave it there. I don't want to forget my experiences in the past 2 months because I'll probably be in a similar situation later in my life and leaving it there will provide perspective. My memory sucks so bad.

Things are looking up. I have met some really interesting people recently and thoughts of them have been taking over my consciousness instead of the bullshit that has been driving me nuts for the past while. It's the first time I have been happy in so long and feels so good.

The Foolish Never Learn

I hope this doesn't become a Friday night ritual. I was pleased that Shandera took part though. If you have me on facebook you will see pictures of what happened afterwards. I am glad the pictures were taken because otherwise I would have had no idea what happened. Yeah, it was that bad.

To my Sister...

I guess I'll have to start that list tonight.

Friday Night Losers

I did a Boone's chug on Friday night. I am too old for this. Andrew Butler made this point obvious. I drank a bottle of Sangria, which wasn't carbonated. Paul Warford unfortunately drank Strawberry Hill, which is carbonated. The carbonation made him burp, frequently. We made a video to preserve the moment. Probably wasn't a good idea. Especially when I thought to put it on youtube. Here it is. I appologize in advance.

lemon blog

I hope to one day be able to date women. It seems that I was doing it wrong before. Apparently being nice and a gentleman isn't the way to go. It seems women like drunk, abnoxious, annoying, broke assholes.
I think I am at the pinnacle of my bitterness.... and I hate every minute of it

The End.

10 years ago I went to Quebec City for the second time. Being an experienced partier in the region from the year before, i thought I was going to rule Chemin Ste. Foy... Or at least run down it naked. Neither happened.
I did meet a wonderful girl though. She was from Victoria B.C. but she was born in The Philippines. She was shorter than me and looked up me with brown eyes that made me forget what i was talking about when they met mine.
The connection we made was something I cannot explain and I haven't felt since. It seemed that we had so much in common (as much as a Filipino and a Newfie can have, I suppose) It felt like I always had something to talk about and everything that came from my lips felt right.
I turned on a Philosopher Kings CD today and this is where this post evolved. They were a relatively new band on the go at the time and we were both surprised that the other person liked them. I didn't have the album for very long at the time. We were in her room one evening and she put on the CD. "This is one of my favorites" she said. A beautiful, sad song filled the room and I loved it. I loved everything about that moment. The song was terribly sad and wouldn't be played in any romantic setting but I didn't care. It just felt right.
The first few chords played on the piano instantly bring me back to that moment and to one of happier moments in my life. I must admit, the song's lyrics have taken a different meaning because of recent events in my life but nonetheless, My first thoughts are of her and that July evening.
After that month, I went back to Newfoundland and never saw her again. We tried to keep in touch but our expanding lives got in the way and we lost touch. We recently got back in contact via facebook. She's a Doctor now in Calgary. That didn't surprise me in the least. She was/is very smart and ambitious.
So this is for you Jazmin.

bullpen wives

So I was talking to someone the other day and they were kind of surprised that I didn't have a back-up. What I mean by that is an agreement with a person where if neither was married by a certain age that they would marry each other. I think that is the most insensitive thing ever. It's like saying "I don't like you enough to be your mate now, but if I live to be 30 or 35 or whatever and I am still single, I'll settle for you.
I shouldn't be writing about things like this. I am far too much of a bitter person right now to weigh these things out carefully.

Scopin' Girls

A best friend of mine writes a blog. It is quite popular. Snippets are published weekly in a newspaper that is free. Free newspapers get read more than ones you pay for. I assume. It only makes sense. His blog is very true to his form. He has the ability to put himself out there and deal with it. A while back he wrote a post about a girl he had a crush on the worked at a coffee shop. That particular snippet ends up in the newspaper and soon enough my friend gets messages from the particular girl. Blows me away. It wouldn't go down like that in a well-written sitcom, let alone real life. It's like a Jennifer Aniston movie.
I can't talk about my crushes like that. This is probably why he has had sex with more women than me.

Here's the song:
Take this as you may. Neither part is directed at any particular person. It just makes sense.

Can't decide on a title here...

Decisions have been the bane of my existence. Mom tells me about when I was a kid and we would go to the ice cream store and I would be so torn on whether to get rainbow or rocky road that I would rather have no ice cream at all than decide. Not much has changed.

The CD player in my car.

Listen to Joel Plaskett's "Ashtray Rock" album from end to end. I have probably mentioned this before so now I am reminding you. I don't know about anyone else but I can relate to every song on this record in one way or another. I could only wish to write a record like that.

Game night.

27 is too late to start taking part in the century club. I did this last night. I was stoked. I had made the mix tape. 100 1-minute clips of songs. Every time the song changed you had to drink a shot glass of beer 100 shot glasses of beer makes me pretty loaded evidently. I was the only participant to finish the activity. Does that make me the winner? Didn't feel like it. I passed out. Then another game was played. Throw beer stoppers at Peter's lifeless carcass until he wakes up. Dennis Short won that game with a precision throw that beaned me in the temple. Until that point I was unaware of the game. Actually, I was unaware of the game until I sat up and showered beer stoppers onto the floor.
Paul Warford is a cheater, although he didn't know it. His shot glass was a trick one or something like that. Me and Dennis realized something was up when We got to about the 25th shot. Warford was just opening his 2nd beer and we had several emptied. Turns out the shot glass he had held about 1/3 of an ounce. It must be like the shot glasses they use in strip clubs. It always a rip-off there.
This morning I am trying to recall the night. I am having trouble differentiating between what actually happened and stuff I might have dreamed.

Bill Matthew's Volkswagen can kiss my ass.

Simon Says

I'm wanna write a song that Paul Simon would be proud of. A song that sounds like a full orchestra even when it's just played with an acoustic guitar. A song that sounds great even when it is played on a thirty dollar guitar.
I admire Paul Simon for his songwriting ability. I also admire the fact that he has appeared on SNL more than 5 times.

Something really needs to happen in my life worth talkin about.

shitty vidi

Next time you are in my presence, ask me to tell you about the guy on the bike that I saw down by quidi vidi lake the other day. There is no way I could explain it with words. I will have to act it out. My only regret was not charging my cell phone that day. If it wasn't dead, I would have taken a video. Youtube would have loved it.

This post has too many inside jokes to be entertaining.

I was just soaking my feet. If I had a deck I would have done it out there. Mike Williams and Paul Warford would have appreciated this. Now we just need to kick a hacky sack up on the roof and roll tape.

True love is always complicated.

I want a drink and then I want another
I'm getting tired of waiting on this winter
If it's going to snow I wish it would start
Instead of taking three months to break this heart

Woo-ooo, are you coming
Woo-ooo, or are you going
All I really want to know is which way the wind's blowing

I want to dream and then I want to wake up
I want a break but I don�t want to break up
I want a song I don�t want to have sing it
I want your love right now, did you bring it? Did you bring it?

I got under your rolling thunder
You're the lightning, the right thing, you got my number
The weather's wicked this time of year
Staring out the window, watching your tears
Roll down the face of the earth
Tears roll down the face of the earth
Tears roll down the face of the earth
I saw them with my own two blue eyes
Two blue eyes
Two blue eyes

True love is always complicated
Free and easy is overrated
My classic beauty, the west coast mystery, moved out east
The rest is history

Woo-ooo, are you hiding
Woo-ooo, or are you seeking
All I really want to know is what your ruby lips are speaking

I got under your rolling thunder
You're the lightning, the right thing, you got my number
The weather's wicked this time of year
Staring out the window, watching your tears
Roll down the face of the earth
Tears roll down the face of the earth
I saw them with my own two blue eyes
Tears roll down the face of the earth
Woo-ooo, do you take love
Woo-ooo, or do you leave love
How come happiness is something you cannot conceive of?

Heeeeeeeeere FISHY FISHY FISHY!

I spent a couple of days this week in Bay Roberts at my parents place. I needed to recharge and to find myself a little bit. Y'all know what's going on.
This morning me and dad go fishing. We go in past butlerville. Past first pond. Past second pond. Past third, fouth, fifth, 69th pond. We went way in. My Dad spoke like he knew where he was going. Boyd had told him about herringbone gully or something like that. He didn't know. I didn't care. There were very few ways for us to get lost. We drove over dirt road and wash-out for about 35 minutes. Finally we got to "the spot Boyd was talking about"
I cast out twice and get my hook stuck on a stick in the water. I have to cut my line already.
Cut the bullshit. If you have a grain of interest left you'll want to know if I caught anything. I did. 3 fishes. I threw them all back.. One of them was worth keeping but it had been such a long time since I was fishing last that I forgot what a good size mud trout was. They don't get that big.
Dad figures were are gone far enough on this dirt road that if we keep going we will meet up on the old track and end up in Whitbourne. Of course this isn't the case. We drive and drive and eventually the road deteriorates into a bog. Fortunetly, it wasn't all lost. In this bog was two canadian geese and a half dozen of their goslings. I think it's the first time I have seen these in the wild... I didn't have a camera. I don't know if I wanted to take a picture anyways. It would be one of those pictures you would show people and they would say "Oh Wow" but not really give a shit. The internet has done that to people. If I want to look at a picture of a goose, google will hook me up.
It took us over an hour to get back into civilization. During which I busted open a whole bottle of fly dope in my jacket.. Thank the baby Jesus for trucks and the open pans that they are known for.

I have nothing for you to watch this time...

!!

Another A.D.D. post

I need a machine that I can hook up to my brain so people can see what I am thinking rather than go by what comes out of my mouth. Many of my greatest downfalls have occurred from misunderstanding.

I think too much.

I am slowly turning into my parents. Recently, I have found myself waking up very early in the morning and not wanting to go back to sleep and then wanting to take a nap after lunch. I have also started listening to CBC radio. I am getting sick of music. It's pretty bad when you have satellite radio in your car and you are sick of hearing the same music over and over again. It's for this reason that I think I should be a program director or one of the guys a record company has that discovers new talent. If I was one of those guys, In-flight Safety would be floating off the lips of Ryan Secrest and Rick Dees

Winning the lotto would rock right now.

I just seen this commercial on tv. Everyone knows the tune. The words are changed. Some executive wanted the word "scream" in the ad as much as possible i guess. They should have made suzie mcneil sound a little less ridiculous and wrote a whole new song for their bullshit ride. I bet it costs like 15 bucks and a two hour wait to get on that thing. It probably runs on old dolphins too.

Will I ever be married?

Fo-lak of a better word

I think I might have a folic acid deficiency. I have been aware of folic acid and its effects when you don't have enough. I think I may be lacking. I looked it up on wikipedia. Dr. Ray will hook me up with the documents for blood work. He'll write it up whilst killing virtual terrorists. Doctors have to multi-task. Baseball players should be able to do the same when doing their job.
An old friend informed me that Rex Goudie was in New Harbour today. He is playing in Carbonear tomorrow and Saturday. I didn't care. Just like the rest of world. Give it another year and he'll be playing the Blue Whale.

It seems a very important person has entered my life once again. A very nice letter was written. I cried a little bit. I am such a girl.
The people that know me best know that I am a complete mamma's boy. I am kind of proud of that. She cooks very well. I have impressed many a girlfriend by taking them to my parent's place so that mom could show off her culinary excellence. She is also an interior decorator. You know this when you walk in my parent's house. She has a real knack for decorating houses for Christmas. It's the most wonderful time of the year you know.

Don Cherry has lost his mind you know. The shit he gets on with reminds me of when I worked the seniors homes there a few years ago. Specifically, the Alzheimer's ward. I am convinced he is suffering from it. That greatest Canadian shit they had a few years ago on CBC might have pushed him over the ego-edge as well... that old cocksucker.

I haven't posted any music that I found new and/or interesting lately (other than my covers entry that none of you gave a fuck about) so here is some shit for you tickle your taints with

Cleaning with Dirt

It's Saturday morning. I am doing the housework. Laundry, sweeping. The regular shit. The landlords are away for the weekend so I got the tunes cranked while I go about my business. Soon I hear a knock on the door. I can't find the remote to turn off my rock and roll. I manage to get the volume turned down slightly but it's still loud. I open the door and it the Jehovah's Witnesses. They start giving their rundown on Jesus and such and their pamphlet that I won't read. Soon the next song comes on. "Do you fuck on the first date" I don't know if she could hear it. I was certainly loud enough. Maybe they tune out the Rock and Roll sound. She was cougar hot. Her dress kept blowing up around her. God is cool like that.

Like Sailors....

Stories are sometimes funnier when you don't tell the whole thing.. You don't bore the person by telling them the unfunny bits... Example:
- Me and Warford decided to get drunk one night. We did. We went downtown with a bunch of girls. We ditched the girls. We end up on a boat. Drinking and getting drunker in St. John's harbour.
Maybe that story wasn't so funny. It is still better without the drama mixed in. There was moderate drama mixed with the evening. it was a good thing we drank. a lot.
When me and warford used to drink a lot I used to go into his laundry room and put on one of the many hats that were down there. I'd wear the cowboy hat and do this. There are pictures of me doing that.
Speaking of funny, I went to comedy @ The Victory on Sunday night... Everything was funny. Warford killed. This is because he remembered what he was supposed to say on stage which is an accomplishment for him because he sometimes forgets that he has to take a shit. I'm no better. I just don't get up in a room full of people and forget things.
I think this should be on a list of funniest things I have seen on the internet..

My world away from you...

Ever see a sprinkler head go off? It's not like they show it on T.V. I know this. I did this on Friday. Actually I cracked the head off.. The result is the same.
In the movies, The sprinkler goes off and nice clear water showers the nice people who cover themselves with the New York Times or a file folder.
In real life, first there is a giant bang when the head goes off. It sounds like a gun... This is from the immense pressure release. This pressure release also causes every other pipe in the building to shudder and shake.
The water that comes out isn't like the water that comes out of your showerhead. The water in sprinkler pipe has been sitting there probably since the system was installed. It has since turned black and smells fucking terrible.
If you were under a sprinkler when it went off, forget about blocking the spray with the paper or your briefcase. You will probably be knocked on your ass. Knocked on your ass with stinky, black water.
I hope this has been educational. I feel stupider by telling you and even worse for using the word "stupider"...

P.S. Myself and a co-worker were responsible for this

I live alone again.
I didn't like it at first... Everything in the apartment *correction* the apartment itself reminded me of my former roommate, even though we lived there for only a week.
I have realized this week that this is my apartment. It's starting to feel that way too. I like it here.

Nobody reads this anymore. I figured someone would have left a comment in my last post saying i forgot to include a song in my list.

Between the covers

The greatest covers of all-time: (My opinion counts this time, bitches....)

- "Movin' On" By Ashley MacIsaac (original by Hank Snow)
Who else (besides Kid Rock) is going to take a squeaky old country tune and turn into a Techno/Rap-Metal fusion?

- "Boys in the Hood" by Dynamite Hack (original by N.W.A.)
My favorite part is "Started talkin shit, wouldn't ya know? So I reached back like a pimp and I slapped the ho"

- "Detroit Rock City" By The Mighty Mighty Bosstones (Original by Kiss)
Kiss could never make a studio record. The Bosstones showed em how it is done.

- "Lovers in a Dangerous Time" By The Barenaked Ladies (Original by Bruce Cockburn)
This is my second favorite BNL tune (Brian Wilson is #1) I like the piano in it.

- "Rusty Cage" by Johnny Cash (Original by Soundgarden)
I didn't give a shit about Johnny Cash before this song came out... I thought he was just another country singer. This guy did "old guy doin' new covers" right. Fuck you Pat Boone.

- "Gloria" by Patti Smith (Original by Van Morrison)
The Doors did a cover of this song and that was good too... Pretty much anyone who covers this song is going to rock it. It's so fun. The clip was taken from her performance on SNL back in the 70s.

- "Walking with a Ghost" by The White Stripes (Original by Tegan and Sara)
I heard the cover before I heard the original. I think both of them are good. This song turned me on to Tegan and Sara. I have never seen pictures of them but they sound cute. I could be wrong. I was wrong about the singer in Sunshine State. Jesus Christ, eat something. You are so underweight that your hair won't grow any longer!

- "Maybe Tomorrow" by The Antics (Original by A Well Trained Dog)
Just kidding.