An Early Christmas Present From Me to You

Whiteblack

edit: I removed the flash file from the blog for obvious reasons.

I woke up in the middle of last night and was immediately convinced that the pillow I was sleeping on was going to kill me, or at least make me wake up with hangover-like symptoms.

How to get banned from SNL (Part 3)

Rip up a picture of the pope.

Sinead O'Connor - War - WalKnDude - www.planetnetopia.com @ Yahoo! Video

Dr. Love doesn't lie

Paul Warford

Andrew Butler

Kirk Bussey

Robert Shandera

Sarah Turpin

I have been watching tv in Doha for over a month. I just realized that they use swear words in movie commercials.

How to get banned from SNL (Part 2)

Smoke weed on-air.

I can't remember when this happened. Probably in the mid 90s. That's when Cypress Hill was popular. They got up to do their second song and one of the guys that doesn't have the squeaky voice blew up a joint at the beginning of the song. Instant ban.

That's how ya doooo it

Sometimes things are slightly easier in Doha. Sure, twist off is easy. This doesn't put dents on the skin on your hands.

Google is like the top 40 of people

Congratulations Paul!

How to get banned from Saturday Night Live (Part 1)

Say "Fuck" (in the 80s)

Probably the only memorable part of the 1980-81 Season, Charles Rocket got his mediocre ass fired for saying "fuck" on the air during the "goodnights" at the end of the show. Some chick from Dallas was the host. He had been "shot" during an earlier sketch and this was a continuation of it. Eddie Murphy had a deadly reaction. Eddie was like, 18 or 19 when he was on the show.



Not only did Charlie get fired, so did the producer




Edit: I placed "in the 80s" in brackets because you don't get banned for it anymore.

Norm MacDonald in the 90s:



Jenny Slate did it in this season's premiere:

For Sarah....

I'm in Halifax Airport. I am an hour and fifteen minutes away from leaving Canada. I am trying to get all my farts out now. It's a long plane ride.

That shit is ball-ah

I saw this car in Bay Roberts today.



The Drug lords are everywhere.

My eyes will never burn the same....

The TV is gone. Sold off to people who have a nicer, more suited stand to place it on.
The living room looks empty now. No big black rectangle to hog the attention of the room. No strings of wires connecting the towers in each corner. No towers in the corner. She's gone. There will be another one, but she will always be the first....

Memories...

Condimentality

It's official. Everything is on the internet.

Even better than the real thing

Check out around the 1:00 mark when he throws the shitty chopper

Return to innocence.

My favorite part begins at 1:30. Especially when he plays the keyboard.

Happy Birthday Sarah!

From 3:55 onward is for you. I picked it cause you would like it.

Drink beer

How many of the things in this commercial would you do/are allowed to do when you are on the Beer?



Lobster Boil.
And then, the ranger would probably come by and bust 'em for having an open fire on a public beach. And the beach is probably some kind of rare bird sanctuary and the fire is on a nest of rare bird eggs. Going to jail and all the hippies in the world hate you.
Now those suckers wish they were half cockeyed, going down a hill made of sand on skis.

I'm not supposed to say anything but...

I'm working in a hospital. Again
Today I had to work in the morgue. There were dead bodies in one, refrigerated room. For most of the afternoon, I worked in the morgue by myself. Right over the stainless steel table that they do the autopsies on. On the wall, next that table, was a plaque that had "The autopsy Oath" on it. In fewer words, it said "Don't tell anyone about the shit that happens in here, no matter how fucked up it looked"
I can only imagine being there for an autopsy and having the doctor saying "Jesus, this one liked nachos. Hey! Don't tell anyone I said that!"
I worked in other morgues before.

We got kicked out of the morgue in Grand Falls because they had to do an autopsy on someone and they don't like doing autopsies when there is concrete dust in the air.

They keep the Christmas decorations in the morgue in Baie Verte.



This is alright

Anywhere is home when I'm with you....

This song could not be more perfect. I just wish my coffeebean was here when I discovered it.




Edit: I found this version. I like this better.

International airborne event

This song reminds me of driving with Sarah. In the Jetta. In the snow. We'll never drive in that car together again. At least I hope not. It's for sale. $14500. Tell your money makin friends.
The first couple of verses make me fill up. I miss my wife.

Doc's Doin it

It's confirmed.

I will become legally monogamous on Thursday, August 6th.

This is deadly. I love her.

Monogamy has never been so attractive

I work with this guy......

This is for all you pedophiles out there. Don't watch the videos too many times or the FBI will come to your house, bow-cabin, cardboard box or whereever you live.













opposite

It seems that I was having deja-vu when I wrote the last post. I thought I had written a post about getting engaged or married and telling you guys not to tell nana Byrne. I never write on this thing anymore....

I'm getting married.

Again, don't tell nana Byrne.

This is why I need a reminding book.

It seems the video became restricted. I can watch it. Rachel can probably watch it. No Canadians though.

I'm engaged.

I should have told you all about this by now, although I told most of you through other means.

When we get married, her blog will become the dominant blog and mine will be forced to either submit and roll over, or change into something different. SNL blog? I hope. I have a lot to say about this. I have even more to show. Youtube has already pissed on that fire. I can only upload shitty little clips on blogger and even then I am not sure it will work. I do have quite the collection. Ask Turpin.

My Dad's the mayor, OH YEAH!!!

This is my new saying. I can share it if you like....

This is the video. I imagine Youtube is going to take it down soon.

For Turpin

For Butler

For Warford

Passing the torch...

Paul Warford is no longer the Screech look-a-like in his family...

If Colin had facebook, I would upload this and tag him.

I don't have cable. Sour grapes?

I think that stations like tsn, sportsnet, espn and all that shit is unnecessary. I don't think player salaries would be so high of these stations were not around. These stations make celebrities out of average professional athletes. Do you think people would care so much about Sean Avery if TSN didn't show his waving his hockey stick in front of Martin Brodeur a million times? They get so much time in the spotlight that they think they deserve a superstar's salary. In 1990, There were probably 10 players in the NHL that were making a million dollars a year and those players had last names like Roy, Lemieux, and Gretzky. I don't even think Ray Bourque made money like that.
This is what happens when you have to much of a bad thing....

Just call me Jean Parmesan....

Peter Russell is a common name
peterrussell.com - taken
peterrussell.net - taken
peterrussell.ca - taken
peterrussell.co.uk - AVAILABLE!!!... for the low price of £5875 (about $10835.19)

This works out to my advantage because it makes me hard to track down on the internet. I am virtually untraceable on google.

Now, I am going to try to find my close friends:

Sarah Turpin:
I found her MSN profile on the first page.
I found this photo on the first page:
The first Sarah Turpin that came up was this one:


Paul Warford:
Really Hard to find.
Unless you knew other people he has had dealings with, you wouldn't know that this was the Paul Warford you were looking for.
Page 10 had Pike's Blog listed.
paulwarford.com is NOT taken
Didn't find pictures of Paul.
Found lots of pics of this guy:

Andrew Butler:
Untraceable. Unsurprised.
I found this though....
Robert Shandera:
Found him on the first page. Classmates.com
There is a Dr. Robert Shandera. This makes sense. I would rather call Robert than go to an emergency room. Many of my friends would do the same. Dr. Robert Shandera is a dentist, though.
Found Robert's old phone number (364-2707) on page 4
found this picture:

Kirk Bussey
9 of the first 10 results were Bussey.
A lot of them had to do with a burger stand that he set up with his brother. Paul wasn't sure when the burgers were supposed to be ready.
Two of them had to do with his teaching internship.
There was a picture. You would never tell it was him (or his brother)
This picture was found:
This page, however, was one of the image results...
Andrew Pike:
This guy had to be the easiest to find. Mostly because he has a a website called www.andrewpike.org
In fact, EVERYONE I searched for had one result that was Andrew Pike's blog. Heck, one of the images that came up when I searched for Robert Shandera was the cover of Pike's book.
Then there was this video...



the talent.....

I almost went off the road when I heard this......

This is Cooter Music?????

Who Remembers this?

I LOVE Sarah Turpin. I'm nuts about her. She knows what I am going to say next (most times)

Alien Barf Bag.

She didn't know that was coming.

We drove by a sign on the side of the road the other day. It read:

"First Choice Hair Cutters. Celebrating 20 years in NL. Can you believe it?"

Of course I can believe it. People have been walking around with shitty haircuts for at least 20 years.

Most of you won't care about this.

Last night I was drunk. Turpin got drunk too. Robert, Warford and Butler came by and drank beer too. The tail-end of the night is hazy. Because I was loaded. I fell asleep on the floor at some point, then woke up and went to the store and bought more beer. Because I was loaded.
I can think of at least two occasions last night where the conversation turned to Terry Ryan. Each time, the dialogue ended with one us saying that he was an asshole of a piece of shit.
I looked him up this morning. On the Internet. Then I looked into people that were drafted after him that same year. Because he was a bust. He was a 1st round pick and played only 8 games in the NHL and never got a single point. Here are some people Montreal could have picked instead:

Kyle McLaren
JEROME IGINLA!!
J.S Giguere
Martin Biron
Petr Sykora
Marc Savard
Miikka Kiprusoff

I guess you can't blame them for passing on the goalies. They still had Patrick Roy at that point.

*End of Sports Rant*

Bert and Ernie

Sunday Morning.

I can wear Turpin's jeans. They fit nice. My ass looks great in them....

I learned the best swearwords watching Super Battletank (and that time Frisky shit in his shoe).

Yesterday was Ray Shandera's Birthday. I'm sure there wasn't a hoopla. That's not his style. His style is in the family room. On the sofa. On the floor. Blowing something up or watching something blow up. I like to be around him when a World War 2-era video game is being played because he can look at it for about 15 seconds and then tell you if it was historically accurate and, if it wasn't, get you an hour-by-hour report on what actually happened (Complete with army-like hand gestures).
He likes war things. He likes video games. I think the latter is obvious because of the former. (Although, I have met quite a few "War buffs" who wouldn't be able to tell me how to get past the "Prison Break" mission on SOCOM: Navy Seals.)
The picture above was taken 30 years ago yesterday. I stole it from Lori's Facebook.
I then fucked with it a bit. For fun. I'm shit at photoshop.

Old wrestling was fun to watch....

Part 1

Turpin and I did a mini pub-crawl on the way home this evening... i'm still drunk from it. Two drunk guys were at Erin's pub. They were talking. This is what one of them said when we fell silent for a moment..

"You can throw a helmet on me!!! Gimmie the chainsaw! Buddy, here we go!"

Wha-What?

Nas and The Game are playing at the stadium in Torbay. That's fucking ridiculous.

There was an ass.....

It was only a matter of time. I have been pressured and bullied for "too much of a long time" to get this online somehow. Here it is. Everyone on it should be embarrassed.

Talking about a hike...

Sarah: There's a rope you have to climb up, at some point. I don't even know if we could find it.

Peter: I don't think I can climb the rope anyways.

Sarah: Sure you can. You can pull yourself into an air duct!

Peter: I hurt my elbow. I don't think I can do that now.

Sarah: Well, change your facebook status!!! We are through!

*bbbbluluuurrrrrpppppp*

Sarah: This is what is sounds like when two people zrrbt you! ...At the same time.
*bbbbllurrrrrpppp*

Vipond or vomit?

I set myself up. She warned me.

We are at the hospital and Sarah is getting bloodwork. I can see the doctor doing it. Sarah is looking right at the needle. That grosses me out. I can't look at the needle.

Anyways. Later. We are in the waiting room and Sarah says "wanna hear the story about my bloodwork? No you don't. You don't like that kind of thing".
I say I do. I know the difference but I felt like squirming this morning.
She starts to tell me the story. I start feeling queezy. Then, a woman in the waiting room starts urging and barfing. I missed work for this, and I think I made the right decision.

oh. oh-oh, oh. oh. oh-oh,oh.

My opinion of Lady Gaa Gaa just changed....

But I got a little problem with you not fucking me....

I forgot about this song until just then.

*Sigh*

All that work and the Flash thing is still there. I don't want to delete it though.

Recently confirmed fact....

I can fit Sarah Turpin's closed fist into my mouth.

Sarah said I had to wash my hands after touching the cat....

While I was peeing, I decided to make a list of the shittiest (or my least favorite) cover songs. It should go along with this list that I made a few months ago.

Johnny Cash - "One" / Original by U2

This was the inspiration of my list. This was a real tearjerker in its original incarnation. There really was no need to redo it. The Johnny Cash "growl" didn't really fit the song.



Toad the Wet Sprocket - Rock and Roll All Nite / Original by Kiss

This appeared on the Kiss Tribute album "Kiss My Ass". It took the life out of the song by turning it into a sticky-sweet ballad. Gene Simmonds said in an interview that when they were compiling this tribute, they went for songs that sounded different from the Kiss originals. I think he should have went for something that sounded "good" rather than "different". This song could be performed by anybody in any number of styles and it still would sound shitty. It has to be played live. Kiss knows that better than anyone. Their studio version of the song is fucking lame.
*Sidenote*: On the same album, Lenny Kravitz does a version of "Deuce" that is one of my favorites, as is "Detroit Rock City" by the Mighty Might Bosstones which made my favorite covers list.




Me First and the Gimme Gimme's - Somewhere Over the Rainbow / Original by Judy Garland

This just wasn't necessary and seemed thrown together.




William Shatner - Rocket Man / Original by Elton John
What would this list be without an appearance form Captain Kirk.


Sheryl Crow - Sweet Child o' Mine / Original By Guns n' Roses
Take the reason why I put "One" up here and do a vice-versea on it. Too soft

*Youtube doesn't have Sheryl Crow singing her bullshit.... I don't blame them*

Madonna - American Pie / Original by Don McLean
No need for this. The original was boring. It didn't need to sound shitty too.

That's it for now. More will come to me in the next couple of days, I'm sure....

Submission

I have decided to post the video I said I wasn't going to post. The reason for doing this is to bury the flash cartoon thingie in this post.



Sarah Turpin doesn't find humor in fart noises/jokes.

So Vain.

I had planned on placing a video of the st. paddy's day shinannigans on my blog but after uploading it and doing little, cool youtube-thingies with it, Turpin posted it on her blog before I got the chance. Since most of you read her blog, you've already seen it. Now I have nothing to poat about... here's my replacement...

Reggie's not number 1 no more.....

Today is Dave's birthday. We lived together. Below Peg and Joe. Peg doesn't understand jokes. Yet, she retells them anyways.
It went something like this....



Frazer is....

It's Saturday and we are goin' drinkin tonight. In airport heights.

There will be liggggggghhhhhts...... *Flash* *Flash*
There will be druuuuuuums-ah...... *Thump* *Thump*
There wil be gui-taaaaaaaaaaarrrrs.... *scrreeeeeam* *screeeech*
There will be.......

ROCK AND ROLL!!!!


Actually, we'll probably just play "High and Dry" a few times.
Probably tell some stories....

I've been up. Pretty much the whole night. Sick, ya see.... Sick of you!
It is Friday. Usually I'm stoked for this day. Being up all last night sick and not having work because "things are slow right now" have taken the stuffing out of this usually festive pinata.
Remember Friday nights in high school? What a laugh, eh 'by? Myself and Paul Warford would drink beer [or Bacardi Limon :( ] and/or go up to " 4 lease" and play hackey sack and appear awkward around girls. It all ended up with me and him in his parents' rec room watching the Tom Green show.

This sketch was quotable for years and, because of it, we all have "Jam Jar" mugs in our kitchen cupboards....

Now you're playing with power

If you read my 25 randoms things on facebook, it said I like watching old commercials on youtube. I stumbled on this one a while ago and it really brought me back. I can remember reciting the "which, way, to, go?" part and the "pea-pea-pea-peahats" line to my friends. I hate how my childhood memories are advertisements.

Standin by the stove...

Listen to this

Like a mirror...

Sarah Turpin and I are officially in a relationship... According to Facebook.
People say that Sarah Turpin and Paul Warford are the same person. I say no.
I'll get an urgent text from Sarah saying that she taught a great class.
Paul Warford will send me an urgent text saying that he farted and it smelled so bad. (And he was able to successfully blame it on one of his students.)
To be honest, the likelihood of me receiving a text from either one of these people is very slim... for different reasons.

Snow days make me creep on wikipedia

Did you know that the proceeds of the NHL All-Star game to the NHLPA players pension fund? Did Harold Druken play enough games to get a pension? I was installing a sprinkler system at restaurant downtown that was undergoing renovations and he was working there as a labourer.
"Hey drukes! Hand me that hammer!"

Listen to this:

Is it the tomatoes or the green thingies?

Turpin: Bruschetta is good for your colon. *Pause* Do I have a colon?

*Slight Choking*

Peter: Yes. You do.

Turpin: Good

*silence for about 30 seconds*

Peter: Did you mean prostate?

Turpin: YES!!

Peter: You don't have one of those.

Turpin: Good. I know.

Block and Key

It's okay.
We are safe.
It's like a back-room poker game now.
Bussey would win. He knows when to hold 'em, fold 'em, walk away, and when to put his facebook on limited profile.

Might have been the turn signal....

Zip Back.
The other week. I can't remember which one.
Bouge comes to town. She was in Kip-pens while her school fought with the people that worked there. Of course, Syrup and Bouge are together immediately. The go downtown to buy some clothes. I agree to pick them up when I get off work.
Me: "How am I going to pick you guys up?"
Syrup: "We'll start walking down water street and we'll meet you along the way."

I go from one end of water street to the other. Never saw 'em. I dart down Duckworth and make another pass. I spot them on a crosswalk. They spot me. They start yelling "PETER RUSSELL!!!! PETER RUSSELL!!!!" and started waving their arms wildly. I questioned their sobriety*. They didn't spot the woman walking directly behind them. She had an ipod and didn't hear the yelling but she had eyes and one of them was almost knocked out by a flailing arm. She was quite (and understandibly) annoyed. None of this phased the two girls. (understandibly)
The next part of this story is fuzzy. Long story short, Bouge is losing her shit, laughing hysterically in the back of the car. For what reason, I don't know. It's makes you like her.

Listen to something. Frig.

*They were sober.

"Wake up! Who cares about, little boys who talk too much."

I tried being a vegetarian. I was doing well. I didn't miss meat at all.... Tastebud-wise. My body, however, missed it. Red meat is an excellent source of iron and I am lacking. I have started eating it again, but not regularly. twice a week at the most. If you got moose in your freezer that you are looking to get rid of, send it over.

Syrup Turnip can't make sound effects. It's one of the cuter things she does. That and when she crosses her eyes.

We like this song.

A.D.D. post #1 for 2009. (Don't get excited)

I first thought that no one read this blog. Then I thought only a couple of friends read this blog. Now it seems there is a human being who shouldn't be reading my blog, yet, they are. I don't know what I could be saying that would interest him/her. I do not lead a sit-com style life like Paul Warford. I just really like SNL.

I am considering placing this piece of literary trash in some kind of "lock mode". I find this ridiculous. I never wanted to know who was reading my blog. If I know who you are, then I have apologize to you for having wasted your time reading my bullshit every time I see you. I guess you'll know if I do this.
I know other people that do this with their blog. Perhaps they could give me tips on how to set up/run this efficiently.

My posts are becoming less and less frequent. It's not that I am abandoning this project. It was a combination of me having continuous sex and not-continuous internet. One of those things has changed. I bought a router.

Earlier this fall, I was writing comedy pieces. I will never perform them. For one, I can't deliver them. I stop and do "um"s and "err"s. Secondly, I told a joke that I was sure was funny to Syrup Turnip and she didn't bat an eye. Immediately started talking about something else. I wasn't hurt. I just knew right then and there that it wasn't my thing. It was about sports, on television. Maybe the wrong crowd to pitch the idea? Whatever.

I can't recall telling you guys to listen to something for a while. Here's a band that is broke up and never released a record. In fact, this may be the only recording of their music in existence.

The Haters - Wrapped






Being a gentleman is understanding when "no" is the answer, accepting it, then moving on to other things.

Century Club!!

I didn't embarass myself again... yet
This marks my 100th post. I have been eying the "99" on the dashboard for quite some time. I kept holding off. The 100th post has to be something great. Like the 100th episode special on WKRP in Cincinnati. Bigger than Loni Anderson's hair.
I almost posted a very terrible entry about "ol' Red Beard". He has been a nuisance for me for some time now. If you don't know who I am talking about, it's no odds. I'm not wasting my time explaining him to you. I'm also not going to waste my (and your) time tearing him up in my blog. He needs to deal with some issues. He makes me feel uncharacteristic.

I promised that I would show SNL clips. I found the ones I want to show but i need to edit them out of the whole episode and make them into snack-sized doses. It's hard to find SNL clips on Youtube. Instead of finding Will Ferrell, you find this. I think she looks kinda like Anne-Marie Bourgeois.

Favorite Christmas Quote

Jennah: "Do you know what an Urban Legend is?"
Emma: "No..."
Jennah: "It's when Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy come on the same night."